Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Ooh
Goodbye
Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by,
Though maybe next time
I've got a thick tongue,
Brimming with the words that go unsung
I simmer then I burn for a someone,
A wrong one
And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, hey, I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight
But someday
-----------------------------------------
"I'll be alright, just not tonight" is surprisingly soothing.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Putting words into action
be you. you will meet someone someday who will like your shy, conservative self. trust me, shyness is so much cuter than “acting more gay” ha- might as well write on your forehead “hello, i’m gay, single, and looking and desperate.”
Thank you for these inspirational words that I will now hold forever close to my heart.
Thank you for these inspirational words that I will now hold forever close to my heart.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Gay Talking Heads
"I didn't have any gay friends in high school, only until I got here that I..."
"HAHA he's such a fruitcake..."
"My gay friend..."
On just this one night, I heard these half-sentences being tossed through my university's dining hall. And each conversation started sounding more appetizing than that chicken sandwich from the newly renovated burger stand. These exciting eavesdropped developments couldn't get any juicier! How are the gays (just me) at my school containing their joy, we have gotten what we always wanted- awareness! I do prefer praise and adulation over notoriety and derogatory remarks, but change is change and at least half of change is progress right? We're actually getting talked about now, the hot topic that could last a week, month, year!?
But where are all these repudiated gay guys at my school? Everywhere it seems! It's as if I was stricken by temporary blindness and rediscovered sociology in the recovery process. Before I get ahead of myself though, I realized lately that I have been noticing more guys that flaunt their hands when they talk and some others that walk so horizontally as if they had the legs of a flamingo. Good for them for not walking like the rest of us.
Though the icing on the cake came when I witnessed an immensely long (5 seconds) embrace by two guys right there packed. At that point, I believe I double-backed away from my destination then proceeded to walk around a half circle two too many times eying them the whole time until finally I was blocked by a road obstruction in the form of some human girl. There I stood as if I was one of the salad bar customers which has never happened before. I was so out of place there that I was able to shake myself out of my own self-induced gay trance.
I tried my best to think of something convincing, "No Kris, they are just REALLY good friends. Yea, definitely." (I believed myself since I've never invested in a gaydar of my own) But even without a pair of antennas, I could feel something different from what was seemingly any simple hug between dudes. Loneliness has worked great at sharpening my hypersensitivity to these things and my paranoia.
After tonight's events I couldn't help, but start putting any people setting off my tingling senses even slightly in the same square. My T.A. suddenly looks gay now and this German classmate that I often feel stern stares from is probably gay too, and this friend of min... though I better quit while I'm ahead.
Despite being nearly overloaded by gay stimuli, after living out a few more hours of my life, the familiar and the mundane slowly intruded back into my routines. My discrete math test is still on Thursday. My resume lays there as blank as three months ago. The street I walk back every night is just as empty. So actually where are all the gay guys here? Maybe sitting on that rising horizon, the one that never gets any closer.
Photograph by Kris Hoet
"HAHA he's such a fruitcake..."
"My gay friend..."
On just this one night, I heard these half-sentences being tossed through my university's dining hall. And each conversation started sounding more appetizing than that chicken sandwich from the newly renovated burger stand. These exciting eavesdropped developments couldn't get any juicier! How are the gays (just me) at my school containing their joy, we have gotten what we always wanted- awareness! I do prefer praise and adulation over notoriety and derogatory remarks, but change is change and at least half of change is progress right? We're actually getting talked about now, the hot topic that could last a week, month, year!?
But where are all these repudiated gay guys at my school? Everywhere it seems! It's as if I was stricken by temporary blindness and rediscovered sociology in the recovery process. Before I get ahead of myself though, I realized lately that I have been noticing more guys that flaunt their hands when they talk and some others that walk so horizontally as if they had the legs of a flamingo. Good for them for not walking like the rest of us.
Though the icing on the cake came when I witnessed an immensely long (5 seconds) embrace by two guys right there packed. At that point, I believe I double-backed away from my destination then proceeded to walk around a half circle two too many times eying them the whole time until finally I was blocked by a road obstruction in the form of some human girl. There I stood as if I was one of the salad bar customers which has never happened before. I was so out of place there that I was able to shake myself out of my own self-induced gay trance.
I tried my best to think of something convincing, "No Kris, they are just REALLY good friends. Yea, definitely." (I believed myself since I've never invested in a gaydar of my own) But even without a pair of antennas, I could feel something different from what was seemingly any simple hug between dudes. Loneliness has worked great at sharpening my hypersensitivity to these things and my paranoia.
After tonight's events I couldn't help, but start putting any people setting off my tingling senses even slightly in the same square. My T.A. suddenly looks gay now and this German classmate that I often feel stern stares from is probably gay too, and this friend of min... though I better quit while I'm ahead.
Despite being nearly overloaded by gay stimuli, after living out a few more hours of my life, the familiar and the mundane slowly intruded back into my routines. My discrete math test is still on Thursday. My resume lays there as blank as three months ago. The street I walk back every night is just as empty. So actually where are all the gay guys here? Maybe sitting on that rising horizon, the one that never gets any closer.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Just Go
So the thing is, I'm not really important. I'm gay, have mediocre grades, unmotivated to say the least, and in general lazy about everything. I'm nothing much, so it's ok that when you need me, I'm there and when I need you, you don't have to be. I've been shrugging off the times you come and go and don't say a word to me. But even if I'm average at best, you're a selfish prick at the least. It's fun to play computer games and basketball with all these other friends, right? I guess I never fit into your scheme of how friendship should be, so us being friends almost feels like an inconvenience. And it's because of my low self-esteem that sometimes I believe that I'm the one who wronged you. Although, by the second time I think about it, it's clear that you're the one not trying. You're the only person that I've ever told I'm gay, and all you can cry to me about is how you've lost your love. Wallow in your self-pity as I do, but I know what a meaningless path that leads to. But you know, at least you got to experience love, do you know what 10 years of lonliness feels like? I can basically summarize it for you as one of the most crippling, self-loathing aspects I have about myself. Feeling empty in my soul and cramping over a pit in my stomach truly tests my daily endurance. You don't need to question me on my love life, but if you really cared, you could at least have mentioned it. If I'm the only friend a friend of mine has told his or her life secret to, I know I would have the sympathy to talk to them about it time to time. I almost regret telling you I'm gay because I would not have the expectation of thinking that I actually have a friend that I can talk to.
Since I purposely tried to keep a distance from you so these type of incidents that wouldn't happen that are happening now, wouldn't pain me like how I predicted. I'm not strong enough to keep a lukewarm friend like you that will one day eventually leave. No one can have everything so stop putting forth different fronts to other people and make a choice- the one that doesn't include me. I already know oh so well that when the time comes you won't stand by me and it is just as well that I can't tolerate those who will throw me away at their own convenience. I'm trying to live by the adage “Life is too short, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't”. Perhaps just as wise though is something that you said so yourself "It hurts to know someone that made you think that you were important to them, thinks nothing much of you now." And both are absolutely right.
Since I purposely tried to keep a distance from you so these type of incidents that wouldn't happen that are happening now, wouldn't pain me like how I predicted. I'm not strong enough to keep a lukewarm friend like you that will one day eventually leave. No one can have everything so stop putting forth different fronts to other people and make a choice- the one that doesn't include me. I already know oh so well that when the time comes you won't stand by me and it is just as well that I can't tolerate those who will throw me away at their own convenience. I'm trying to live by the adage “Life is too short, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't”. Perhaps just as wise though is something that you said so yourself "It hurts to know someone that made you think that you were important to them, thinks nothing much of you now." And both are absolutely right.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Give Me Less Expectations
It's been two weeks and I never got back around to say what happened to coming out. Well, I didn't chicken out, but I ended up not having much to say about the whole shebang cause everything is still mostly about the same. I guess for a recap though for anyone who might be curious...So I turned 21 last last Saturday and around 3 in the morning I asked him to leave our group game to come and talk with me outside. He sat down on the steps leading towards the second level of apartments and I sat on the ground in front. I leaned towards the wall for imaginary support, and I wanted to say something, but I forgot how to speak.
I used the only line I prepared over five weeks. "Can I tell you a secret, D?"
He turned his head to me and looked at me. "Huh? I'm not sure...is it a big secret?"
"Yea it is *nighttime noises* do you still want to know?"
D- "mm...yes...I think I can listen to it. I think I know what you want to say though."
I think my eyes widened "Really?? Do you know?"
D- "I think so."
I put the back of my head on the wall and looked up. My mouth opened, but it was still silent. The cold air of that night in combination with my nerves made me shiver uncontrollably.
Kris- "This is so hard to say..." And the moment dragged...until it felt like I was going to back out of everything I've planned.
But I realized that I've gone so far, said too much, why not just get it over with. I felt no rush of courage, just one blank feeling that I can no longer be quiet about this. There is no better time or day, I'm already fully prepared for one of the hundreds of devastating outcomes.
"I like boys." Before I said it, I turned to see his face because I knew he wouldn't be able to hide his reaction. And what? His eyes just widened and said "I didn't expect this at all."
Kris- "What?"
D- "I thought you were going to say something completely different." He was expecting me to talk about my past with that girl, which by the way, D and her are a couple as of now.
We talked a bit, I can't even remember all of it. Bits and pieces about how sure I am about how gay I am and how I am trying to convey to him it's not a choice at least in my case. And it's because he's Christian. He knows that what I'm saying is probably true, but Christianity doesn't let you off the hook that easily. But I'm not trying to destroy his religious beliefs in the first place. What was kinda surprising is that he traded his life secret with me as well.
And then a week passed now. We talked about it a few times after he looked it up on Christian websites and talked to his church people. But besides that nothing is different and I'm almost glad for once that my life is routinely the same. I knew that too, I knew change was always hard, but I was so hyped up to come out that I had no idea that things would turn out so...normal. I think I need to come out to more people. joking. for now.
But y'know, D doesn't understand, he doesn't understand at all. But it's ok, I shouldn't expect understanding, acceptance, and better outcomes. It hurt for awhile letting him tell me how he thinks I can change, but if it's the last thing I do for him as a friend, it's to open his eyes, let him know that 'gay' is so far from being wrong. And one day he might decide to stand up for me when our friends disregard me and others start to look at me with disdain. I hope these are my friends, the types who would be willing to defend me because they believe me as their friend and know me as I am.
I used the only line I prepared over five weeks. "Can I tell you a secret, D?"
He turned his head to me and looked at me. "Huh? I'm not sure...is it a big secret?"
"Yea it is *nighttime noises* do you still want to know?"
D- "mm...yes...I think I can listen to it. I think I know what you want to say though."
I think my eyes widened "Really?? Do you know?"
D- "I think so."
I put the back of my head on the wall and looked up. My mouth opened, but it was still silent. The cold air of that night in combination with my nerves made me shiver uncontrollably.
Kris- "This is so hard to say..." And the moment dragged...until it felt like I was going to back out of everything I've planned.
But I realized that I've gone so far, said too much, why not just get it over with. I felt no rush of courage, just one blank feeling that I can no longer be quiet about this. There is no better time or day, I'm already fully prepared for one of the hundreds of devastating outcomes.
"I like boys." Before I said it, I turned to see his face because I knew he wouldn't be able to hide his reaction. And what? His eyes just widened and said "I didn't expect this at all."
Kris- "What?"
D- "I thought you were going to say something completely different." He was expecting me to talk about my past with that girl, which by the way, D and her are a couple as of now.
We talked a bit, I can't even remember all of it. Bits and pieces about how sure I am about how gay I am and how I am trying to convey to him it's not a choice at least in my case. And it's because he's Christian. He knows that what I'm saying is probably true, but Christianity doesn't let you off the hook that easily. But I'm not trying to destroy his religious beliefs in the first place. What was kinda surprising is that he traded his life secret with me as well.
And then a week passed now. We talked about it a few times after he looked it up on Christian websites and talked to his church people. But besides that nothing is different and I'm almost glad for once that my life is routinely the same. I knew that too, I knew change was always hard, but I was so hyped up to come out that I had no idea that things would turn out so...normal. I think I need to come out to more people. joking. for now.
But y'know, D doesn't understand, he doesn't understand at all. But it's ok, I shouldn't expect understanding, acceptance, and better outcomes. It hurt for awhile letting him tell me how he thinks I can change, but if it's the last thing I do for him as a friend, it's to open his eyes, let him know that 'gay' is so far from being wrong. And one day he might decide to stand up for me when our friends disregard me and others start to look at me with disdain. I hope these are my friends, the types who would be willing to defend me because they believe me as their friend and know me as I am.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Nothing Better
I'm so far past jealousy that I'm running into my demise. The "guy" is just about to date her and then I remember how I hate it when I'm right. Wished that my predictions weren't spot on when I get to thinking clearly. The freakiest thing is that it is always here first that I admit to myself that he didn't like me and was about to get another girlfriend. I guess it's just that when I talk out here I speak more truthfully than when I speak with myself. But it's sickening- them two and I'm not even jealous of them. Only envious of the fact they found each other, as casual as strolling through a park on Sunday and as simple as drinking a glass of water.
And I don't think I can put it any more ironically when I tell you that she is the girl who liked me last semester.(I didn't date her because I couldn't convince myself that I might turn straight. Better safe than sorry) And just two nights ago she discussed with me the details of all the things happening between the lovely pair leading up to this point. Thank God that it wasn't painful because somehow a guy I couldn't get over for a year has made me realize my stupid mistakes on top of even stupider judgments. I just want to rock out and sing it all away. I was genuinely fine talking to her about him just like I was straight and just like how I didn't think about him every single day. Good, cause at least I'm moving on also like I predicted last post.
I tell her to just admit that she likes him because she is dense like me. And it was not even a few days ago that I also advised him what to do about his crush on her. I told him that when you really like someone, the circumstances don't matter. It became his facebook status the next day. The only thing wrong with this is how it doesn't work for me. Circumstances do matter for me because if they're not gay, if he's not gay then love doesn't work out like magic. And now I'm deeper in realization of how I'm playing a role in helping them get together, but it is far from a crushing defeat. Because I'm sure now that I can't get him, and more sure that I will need to find someone else, and surest that I can let go of him to a great friend. That's hard as I know 0 gay guys here. But that's all I needed to patch up my life and get on with it even with a few rips and stitches here and there. And I really think I'm in an advantageous position at this point; I know both of them well so if I want to know anything I can ask; I'm about to come out to that guy and if it's uneasy for him to accept then he'll force some distance between us. And I sure could use some distance from him. There is nothing better than knowing the truth.
"Nothing better, nothing better than you." Take care you two =)
And I don't think I can put it any more ironically when I tell you that she is the girl who liked me last semester.(I didn't date her because I couldn't convince myself that I might turn straight. Better safe than sorry) And just two nights ago she discussed with me the details of all the things happening between the lovely pair leading up to this point. Thank God that it wasn't painful because somehow a guy I couldn't get over for a year has made me realize my stupid mistakes on top of even stupider judgments. I just want to rock out and sing it all away. I was genuinely fine talking to her about him just like I was straight and just like how I didn't think about him every single day. Good, cause at least I'm moving on also like I predicted last post.
I tell her to just admit that she likes him because she is dense like me. And it was not even a few days ago that I also advised him what to do about his crush on her. I told him that when you really like someone, the circumstances don't matter. It became his facebook status the next day. The only thing wrong with this is how it doesn't work for me. Circumstances do matter for me because if they're not gay, if he's not gay then love doesn't work out like magic. And now I'm deeper in realization of how I'm playing a role in helping them get together, but it is far from a crushing defeat. Because I'm sure now that I can't get him, and more sure that I will need to find someone else, and surest that I can let go of him to a great friend. That's hard as I know 0 gay guys here. But that's all I needed to patch up my life and get on with it even with a few rips and stitches here and there. And I really think I'm in an advantageous position at this point; I know both of them well so if I want to know anything I can ask; I'm about to come out to that guy and if it's uneasy for him to accept then he'll force some distance between us. And I sure could use some distance from him. There is nothing better than knowing the truth.
"Nothing better, nothing better than you." Take care you two =)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I'm already there
I can't wait! I can't hold in my excitement anymore, I feel my head would burst if I had to wait another day. But I will have to. One more week until the official date to come out. I don't know why it's a big deal to me anyways cause I'm only going to tell one person. I would say I'm really okay if he can't accept it or he'll pretend to, but everything else changes. It's OK because I need this- more than anything I have ever wished for. I need to get over him and the only real realization that will break this fantasy of mine is by telling him that I'm gay. Probably won't mention a word on how I've liked him for a year and all the things which made me think he liked me back. But I can't stay friends with a nice guy, so I'll ask him not to touch me so casually at least or I don't know, but what ever happens in that moment I'll just let it fall. I promise you it will happen and I promise you I will be happy- in the sense that I will be fine because nothing really works out the way we plan them to. Plus my heart is generous enough to be happy for him and the girl who I almost dated last year. They're not together, but I think it'll only be a few sequence of events farther. And deep down I don't want to affect him, who I care about so much, to be involved with the homosexuality that we have to deal with. Cause I'm not gonna lie, it's downright difficult and comes constantly with f-ing pain. I wish onto him that he doesn't have to go through the mess I had to. He can deal with some other problems, but just not this one. I can live on without him and he without me. In a few years our paths will separate indefinitely so I'm gonna go ahead and move forward now. My birthday, come quickly cause I'm ready to live out the next 21 years of my life significantly for me.
I'm so thankful for the people here who will be there for me whether I crash and burn and have no one to turn to. Thankful for the people that will be there that once the dust settles I will be salvaging the rubbles of my life and building it back up again. It's because I'll need courage to do this, need to be more courageous than those around us, stronger than what I've seen in others to get through this phase that will eventually pass like all the others.
I'm so thankful for the people here who will be there for me whether I crash and burn and have no one to turn to. Thankful for the people that will be there that once the dust settles I will be salvaging the rubbles of my life and building it back up again. It's because I'll need courage to do this, need to be more courageous than those around us, stronger than what I've seen in others to get through this phase that will eventually pass like all the others.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
4 Week Countdown
"Before it's too late"
I can't believe it- I can't believe my own mind would one day overcome the idea of coming out. Twisting out the fears, the loneliness, the possibility of being hated. Truly unbelievable that ever since the summer, I've been pondering whether if it was so bad afterall to come out. I weighed out the pros and cons in the back of my head, and slowly the idea waded to the shore of possibility. I've been telling myself that it's only a matter of time, and out of anything in the world, I hate lies and lieing the most. What can I say now to convince myself to stay back in the closet? Instead, I somehow see the light across the bridge, that sliver of hope, a real sign that gives me the courage to tell one, at least one person about me- the true me.
It isn't the potent amount of emotions nor a litany of encouragements that's compelling me to come out. It's a calmer feeling, a more deep and instinctive one urging me forward despite the treacherous path ahead. Something deep down as core as my soul cannot be contained any longer, it can't breathe and it's decided to not let me either. That's how I know it's past time.
From the thought of coming out of your shell to reaching out to others and gaining the courage to ask people out, I think, is all nervously similar. Something in yourself propels you in that direction and it is also a battle with yourself where the fight has taken enough of its toll. Thus, my resolve has softened and I've let down my guard. So tired of pretending and lying to people I care about, and just as much I stopped trying altogether. But I can finally see peace on the horizon now. And despite the horrors that I know of so well, I'm just sure I can do it. I can't even go back and relive the time where I abhorred the idea of coming out. It's not to say the thought still doesn't seize up my body and mortifies all of me, but I feel I can live with it- live with the consequences I'm purposely about to create. And still further, it is probably the thoughts of happiness and true love that has brought me around and taken me so far. I only have one life and I wish for it to be happy. That is why I can empty out the closet, not because I have to, but because I want to love myself again. Just as how I want people not to accept only half of me, but the whole entirety of me. I'm putting faith in the friends I've kept close, and wishfully hoping, that they will remember me for who I am, impartial to my sexual preference. This is my firm resolution- to tell just one of my friends that I am gay on my 21st birthday. On that day, I'll have one drink, a freak of a time partying, and one friend who knows it all.
---------------------------------------------------------
Although as much as I want to maintain my self-centeredness about me coming out, what ultimately keeps me from falling back down the stairs is the thought that even my decisions here will make a difference. Our generation is changing the world again and I won't miss my part in making sure it's going to be better than the last generations that had to go through so much grief. Remember Harvey Milk's words, remember courage:
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."
~Ambrose Redmoon
I can't believe it- I can't believe my own mind would one day overcome the idea of coming out. Twisting out the fears, the loneliness, the possibility of being hated. Truly unbelievable that ever since the summer, I've been pondering whether if it was so bad afterall to come out. I weighed out the pros and cons in the back of my head, and slowly the idea waded to the shore of possibility. I've been telling myself that it's only a matter of time, and out of anything in the world, I hate lies and lieing the most. What can I say now to convince myself to stay back in the closet? Instead, I somehow see the light across the bridge, that sliver of hope, a real sign that gives me the courage to tell one, at least one person about me- the true me.
It isn't the potent amount of emotions nor a litany of encouragements that's compelling me to come out. It's a calmer feeling, a more deep and instinctive one urging me forward despite the treacherous path ahead. Something deep down as core as my soul cannot be contained any longer, it can't breathe and it's decided to not let me either. That's how I know it's past time.
From the thought of coming out of your shell to reaching out to others and gaining the courage to ask people out, I think, is all nervously similar. Something in yourself propels you in that direction and it is also a battle with yourself where the fight has taken enough of its toll. Thus, my resolve has softened and I've let down my guard. So tired of pretending and lying to people I care about, and just as much I stopped trying altogether. But I can finally see peace on the horizon now. And despite the horrors that I know of so well, I'm just sure I can do it. I can't even go back and relive the time where I abhorred the idea of coming out. It's not to say the thought still doesn't seize up my body and mortifies all of me, but I feel I can live with it- live with the consequences I'm purposely about to create. And still further, it is probably the thoughts of happiness and true love that has brought me around and taken me so far. I only have one life and I wish for it to be happy. That is why I can empty out the closet, not because I have to, but because I want to love myself again. Just as how I want people not to accept only half of me, but the whole entirety of me. I'm putting faith in the friends I've kept close, and wishfully hoping, that they will remember me for who I am, impartial to my sexual preference. This is my firm resolution- to tell just one of my friends that I am gay on my 21st birthday. On that day, I'll have one drink, a freak of a time partying, and one friend who knows it all.
---------------------------------------------------------
Although as much as I want to maintain my self-centeredness about me coming out, what ultimately keeps me from falling back down the stairs is the thought that even my decisions here will make a difference. Our generation is changing the world again and I won't miss my part in making sure it's going to be better than the last generations that had to go through so much grief. Remember Harvey Milk's words, remember courage:
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."
~Ambrose Redmoon
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
In My Own Head Too Much!
I don't want to admit it because it was only a joke, but I feel just a little more cheerful inside! =)) A friend I'm getting to know said to me:
"You're too nice, I'm not used to it, what happens if I fall in love with you" heh heh x)
"You're too nice, I'm not used to it, what happens if I fall in love with you" heh heh x)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
In With Atheism
I wonder how I've ever made sense of Christianity
About a week ago, I brought up the problem of evil with my mom at dinner. It wasn't a structural argument trying to prove why God doesn't exist, but I wonder what she thought about it. My main intention though, was hinting to her that I've given up my faith, which isn't a bad loss in the first place. A fitting quote I saw on a website "No I was not 'born again', excuse me for getting it right the first time" by someone. I don't know when atheism became culpable, but it is more benign than say, religion. Morality and love can still continue with atheism. Well, if my mom can't accept me being an atheist, she won't be any more progressive about homo things. Truly, I'm just glad I was able to find answers for myself that made more sense than Christianity did to me. And my "stop caring what others think" attitude has came in at a critical time too! Now if someone calls me a blasphemous f*g, I'll resist the temptation to kick them between their legs. Something happened this summer, by which I mean I had too much time to think for myself. It gave me a chance for me to question my faith deeply and analyze all the "truths" church has handed me for a decade. I don't think I can ever prove whether a God exists, but I'm more than sure that the Christian God isn't the one. It may provide comfort and good feelings, like it did for me, but after I examined the Bible, the facts just don't add up to me. (It's not ALL because I'm gay either)
Presently, I confessed today that I didn't believe in God anymore to my housemate as well. I presented my atheist POV pretty poorly, but I do have confidence in my lack of belief in God. I'm still open-minded to Christians, so I'll stay in the fellowship to support them as friends.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry about theextremely emotional post yesterday. I don't know what to do about homosexuality anymore, and I wish even more that there is no "coming out of the closet" ever. One day, hopefully, being gay can be as normal as "normal". Not to say that I don't have it better than the gays before and now.
About a week ago, I brought up the problem of evil with my mom at dinner. It wasn't a structural argument trying to prove why God doesn't exist, but I wonder what she thought about it. My main intention though, was hinting to her that I've given up my faith, which isn't a bad loss in the first place. A fitting quote I saw on a website "No I was not 'born again', excuse me for getting it right the first time" by someone. I don't know when atheism became culpable, but it is more benign than say, religion. Morality and love can still continue with atheism. Well, if my mom can't accept me being an atheist, she won't be any more progressive about homo things. Truly, I'm just glad I was able to find answers for myself that made more sense than Christianity did to me. And my "stop caring what others think" attitude has came in at a critical time too! Now if someone calls me a blasphemous f*g, I'll resist the temptation to kick them between their legs. Something happened this summer, by which I mean I had too much time to think for myself. It gave me a chance for me to question my faith deeply and analyze all the "truths" church has handed me for a decade. I don't think I can ever prove whether a God exists, but I'm more than sure that the Christian God isn't the one. It may provide comfort and good feelings, like it did for me, but after I examined the Bible, the facts just don't add up to me. (It's not ALL because I'm gay either)
Presently, I confessed today that I didn't believe in God anymore to my housemate as well. I presented my atheist POV pretty poorly, but I do have confidence in my lack of belief in God. I'm still open-minded to Christians, so I'll stay in the fellowship to support them as friends.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry about the
Closer to the End
The throb in my chest is rising, the tears are streaming, don't tell me that I never got over you. You didn't change and I didn't change, but things don't just stay the same one year later.
It may not have been your intention, but why do I feel tricked? Just a tinge of betrayal and loneliness makes my day longer. Is attraction always torment, I say "no", yet I feel like hell. Can we not repeat history everyday? I'm so close to confession, and it has stopped ceasing to be a game long ago. What do you mean, why did you say? Why do you touch? Crossed into the border of more pain than bliss, if you don't mean anything serious, don't play with me. Do you even know these feelings of mine? Go find a girlfriend again and let me out of your sight. For me, no more hiding, no more second-guessing, I don't even know how to act anymore. I don't care if I didn't try hard enough or I pushed you away too much or didn't talk meaningfully with you enough. These "could-be's" are now all "won't-be's". My heart can't stand being soaked even if it rains 3 out of 7 days. Most of all, don't tell me how you never thought about me in that way because my wounds then will never mend.
Give me just a few more days, perhaps a few more weeks, to erase all that I've built up in my head. I'll tell you one day though that I'm a con- pretending to the end that I thought so little of you. Yelling for you to come closer in my head, yet I don't move a step. I'm angry whenever I see this two-faced me. Though isn't it better now to search for my own peace?
Can someone tell me I am wrong to not try more? To reach out to you with every worth of my being, but if I do, I feel like my heart really will break in two.
It may not have been your intention, but why do I feel tricked? Just a tinge of betrayal and loneliness makes my day longer. Is attraction always torment, I say "no", yet I feel like hell. Can we not repeat history everyday? I'm so close to confession, and it has stopped ceasing to be a game long ago. What do you mean, why did you say? Why do you touch? Crossed into the border of more pain than bliss, if you don't mean anything serious, don't play with me. Do you even know these feelings of mine? Go find a girlfriend again and let me out of your sight. For me, no more hiding, no more second-guessing, I don't even know how to act anymore. I don't care if I didn't try hard enough or I pushed you away too much or didn't talk meaningfully with you enough. These "could-be's" are now all "won't-be's". My heart can't stand being soaked even if it rains 3 out of 7 days. Most of all, don't tell me how you never thought about me in that way because my wounds then will never mend.
Give me just a few more days, perhaps a few more weeks, to erase all that I've built up in my head. I'll tell you one day though that I'm a con- pretending to the end that I thought so little of you. Yelling for you to come closer in my head, yet I don't move a step. I'm angry whenever I see this two-faced me. Though isn't it better now to search for my own peace?
Can someone tell me I am wrong to not try more? To reach out to you with every worth of my being, but if I do, I feel like my heart really will break in two.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
For the Heck of it
I wish to remember my younger self one day
Like it was all yesterday, but it was the day before that or even before that...
Another Design = Another Beginning...Good thing for some of this new blogger template action
Despite how I feel about how drudgingly slow August has went by, I'm amazed at how fast the whole last year went by. Feels like a breeze blew by so quick I forget that I've already completed my 2nd year, forgot that I experienced another heartache, and missed my own blog's birthday! So dramatic, yet so gone. Sometimes I think I can't get over this or when will that turn out for the better, but this blog has now become my own irrefutable testimony that the present does really turn into bygones. I might not have changed, hopefully I matured though, but the things around me surely has. I sorely wished I wrote about my past year because I know how cathartic blogging and writing is for anyone, but I also know I get lazy to wash the dishes or type even the smallest entry. And the initiative to come back and visit a recent past is because of a wise suggestion from the first blog-related friend I met in person. He reminded me of past feelings that I rarely felt anymore when I looked back to an old post and remember "ohhh, so this was what I was thinking" or "What was I thinking!?". Thanks for that and look how I took up your advice! Hoping I won't come back August 2011 and only finding this one lonesome entry.
Like it was all yesterday, but it was the day before that or even before that...
Another Design = Another Beginning...Good thing for some of this new blogger template action
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I Want to Understand….you
“Would a hug have made it better?”
Awhile back, I started thinking of a story that happened maybe 6 weeks ago. An extremely short one that consisted of only a momentary conversation that probably lasted less than two minutes. I happened to be on campus that night, spending our university’s food punch before it expired. I checked out the ice cream line because I definitely craved for something sweet that night. Weighing the situation between my housemate scouting for a parking space outside and the line of around 6 people in front of me, I just decided to follow my temptation. I considerately called up my housemate asking if he parked, although he didn’t, he still gave me the okay to just get whatever sweet satisfaction I needed. Weirdly enough, before my housemate came inside, a classmate from last semester happen to stop by me. Oh! It was the affable Travis, who I happened to think was the cutest guy in that class. We had spoken a countable number of times before, and he reminded me that evening on what subject we spoke about every time: a small presentation I had given in that class.
We exchanged the usual catch-up talk, in the meanwhile I was thinking wow, he seems happy to see me! I was surprised he even remembered me! He responded with “Of course! You gave the best eggs presentation I’ve ever seen”, on the contrary, he couldn’t quite recall my name. Well didn’t I only remember his because I was corrected after mistakenly calling him Travis the last time we spoke? Although I don’t care so much, at least he had the first letter of my name on the tip of his tongue. We just chitchatted lightly, but it left such a merry impression that has contentedly recurred through my thoughts. Who could have known just a few sentences from someone barely an acquaintance, would leave such a cheeky feeling graffitied on your heart.
Though the conversation was encouraging, something about Travis’ appearance disturbed me. He looked skinnier, indeed noticeably in the manner of his seemingly more slender figure and gaunt face. I wanted to ask,
“Hey…have you been eating well, you look skinnier!!!”
“Hey has everything been good with you?”
Sadly that is the limitation between someone you’ve just met. Though I feel I need not worry because his usual jovialness was still apparent. Maybe he was just more unkempt than usual that night; still, if I could I want to be of some sort of comfort to him if he is stressed or dealing with some heavy pressures. For a kind person that stops to see how I’m doing, even though we could be the strangest of strangers, you simply reached out to talk to me first, the least I can do for you is to listen back to your troubles. Whenever you grabbed my attention to converse, it did not sound like a chore or a responsibility, your concern was at least this genuine. And I also want to say you have one of the most endearing tone of care in your voice. Our hasty meeting also gave me a touch of confidence, besides Travis’ sincerity, his cheerful laugh and smile was a form of approval to me.
Remembering this now alleviates some of the apathy recently piled on. It feels good to feel like you mattered, even more he showed me I made an impact. Even if it is just my shabbily ‘3 minutes and 2 second’ presentation on a poorly and rashly picked topic, you have definitely put an accomplished grin on my face.
-------------On a different note more recently-------------
Confusingly, I do not know what I’m getting myself back into again weekly. Perhaps attending the bible study held at my own house every Friday is moving me back towards Christianity. I’m being drawn in again, but it’s not as wearisome as all the times I’ve tried to break away from the religious pressure all around me. I believe it is the natural attraction between humans and good-natured things, it is appealing to learn to have better standards for myself and behave in a way I'll be proud of. There is no harm at the moment, and at least I will have better morals than I was left with before. But there is one difference though; my university family is really close with a pair of sister and brother, and the brother, although only a sophomore in high school, is really really cute. He is straight (7 girlfriends!? Lol), but his actions provoke me to think otherwise, although, when I observed more diligently he is just touchy and friendly with everyone. I cannot deny a part of me is definitely attracted to his laugh, looks, personality, and touch (That’s a lot more than I wanted myself to admit) Still, I’d like to think that he likes me a lot just as a good friend though since I know what is better for me, definitely in the mental health aspect. I’ll try not to play the fool for the umpteenth time, so this I plead with you, God, don’t let me fall in love with a straight man anymore.
p.s. hahahah how amazing, he just showed up at my house now, and he came up to ask if I like the tomatoes in the tomato and egg dish in big or small pieces…haha too cute, too cute~
Awhile back, I started thinking of a story that happened maybe 6 weeks ago. An extremely short one that consisted of only a momentary conversation that probably lasted less than two minutes. I happened to be on campus that night, spending our university’s food punch before it expired. I checked out the ice cream line because I definitely craved for something sweet that night. Weighing the situation between my housemate scouting for a parking space outside and the line of around 6 people in front of me, I just decided to follow my temptation. I considerately called up my housemate asking if he parked, although he didn’t, he still gave me the okay to just get whatever sweet satisfaction I needed. Weirdly enough, before my housemate came inside, a classmate from last semester happen to stop by me. Oh! It was the affable Travis, who I happened to think was the cutest guy in that class. We had spoken a countable number of times before, and he reminded me that evening on what subject we spoke about every time: a small presentation I had given in that class.
We exchanged the usual catch-up talk, in the meanwhile I was thinking wow, he seems happy to see me! I was surprised he even remembered me! He responded with “Of course! You gave the best eggs presentation I’ve ever seen”, on the contrary, he couldn’t quite recall my name. Well didn’t I only remember his because I was corrected after mistakenly calling him Travis the last time we spoke? Although I don’t care so much, at least he had the first letter of my name on the tip of his tongue. We just chitchatted lightly, but it left such a merry impression that has contentedly recurred through my thoughts. Who could have known just a few sentences from someone barely an acquaintance, would leave such a cheeky feeling graffitied on your heart.
Though the conversation was encouraging, something about Travis’ appearance disturbed me. He looked skinnier, indeed noticeably in the manner of his seemingly more slender figure and gaunt face. I wanted to ask,
“Hey…have you been eating well, you look skinnier!!!”
“Hey has everything been good with you?”
Sadly that is the limitation between someone you’ve just met. Though I feel I need not worry because his usual jovialness was still apparent. Maybe he was just more unkempt than usual that night; still, if I could I want to be of some sort of comfort to him if he is stressed or dealing with some heavy pressures. For a kind person that stops to see how I’m doing, even though we could be the strangest of strangers, you simply reached out to talk to me first, the least I can do for you is to listen back to your troubles. Whenever you grabbed my attention to converse, it did not sound like a chore or a responsibility, your concern was at least this genuine. And I also want to say you have one of the most endearing tone of care in your voice. Our hasty meeting also gave me a touch of confidence, besides Travis’ sincerity, his cheerful laugh and smile was a form of approval to me.
Remembering this now alleviates some of the apathy recently piled on. It feels good to feel like you mattered, even more he showed me I made an impact. Even if it is just my shabbily ‘3 minutes and 2 second’ presentation on a poorly and rashly picked topic, you have definitely put an accomplished grin on my face.
-------------On a different note more recently-------------
Confusingly, I do not know what I’m getting myself back into again weekly. Perhaps attending the bible study held at my own house every Friday is moving me back towards Christianity. I’m being drawn in again, but it’s not as wearisome as all the times I’ve tried to break away from the religious pressure all around me. I believe it is the natural attraction between humans and good-natured things, it is appealing to learn to have better standards for myself and behave in a way I'll be proud of. There is no harm at the moment, and at least I will have better morals than I was left with before. But there is one difference though; my university family is really close with a pair of sister and brother, and the brother, although only a sophomore in high school, is really really cute. He is straight (7 girlfriends!? Lol), but his actions provoke me to think otherwise, although, when I observed more diligently he is just touchy and friendly with everyone. I cannot deny a part of me is definitely attracted to his laugh, looks, personality, and touch (That’s a lot more than I wanted myself to admit) Still, I’d like to think that he likes me a lot just as a good friend though since I know what is better for me, definitely in the mental health aspect. I’ll try not to play the fool for the umpteenth time, so this I plead with you, God, don’t let me fall in love with a straight man anymore.
p.s. hahahah how amazing, he just showed up at my house now, and he came up to ask if I like the tomatoes in the tomato and egg dish in big or small pieces…haha too cute, too cute~
Sunday, September 20, 2009
An Unforgettable Reminder
The haunting past paves a daunting future
This morning I found myself explaining the same old, yet twisted tale of my buried love for a man. A mutual friend of my housemate’s stayed the night and in the morning we talked over some porridge breakfast. She told me my housemate may be getting a boyfriend soon to which I delightedly congratulated the idea as well our friend’s matchmaking skills. In just one lapse in reasoning, before I could stop myself, I mistakenly asked her if she could set me up as well. She remarked “I don’t know…I thought you liked someone”.
The person she referred to was probably what I told my housemate about my second unrequited love, of course, they were not informed of the sex of this individual, or was it more like I intentionally kept referring to him as a “her”. It isn’t uncommon anymore for me to casually chatter up a conversation with my friends about who I like, it’s a mutually beneficial one, I tell them what I want to say, they hear what they want to hear. It’s weird for an older teen to continually digress away from the subject of love interests- “oh well, no one in mind currently” “not right now, no love interest for me at the moment”. I feel like I’m biting my own words again of “not misleading anyone anymore”, but this is what it takes, at least before I mention a word of my innate preferences.
Jokingly I asked “Can you find me someone?”
Miss J: “I don’t know…I thought you liked someone”.
“Well I got over her"
She questions “How did you get over her?”
I could barely answer, so the next most fitting response was “I forced myself to”
She inquired, “Did she have a boyfriend” He had a girlfriend
“Yes, she did last semester, I don’t know about now, we don’t talk much”…I regret continuing “I don’t even think we’re friends.”
Immediately she rebuked “What? Why did you like her?” him…
Kris: “…”
Kris: “Cause I just did” A most unsatisfying answer to her and myself
Miss J: “You’re weird”
I returned with a lame comeback “You’re weird too, wasn’t it the same with the guy you liked”
Miss J: “Nooo.”
Kris: “Oh.”
Ms. J begged the question again “How do you like someone you don’t even know?”
The same question that made my heart skip the first time asked, but I still had no sufficient answer for her. Nothing I said would be appropriate to describe the relationship of a gay guy watching a straight guy from the borders of each other’s lives. Because simply, it was just that. The basis for our liking does not have to be the normal interactions of a girl and a guy, and usually it isn’t. With a straight man, our hope is every talk we have, every hangout, and every friendly touch he makes is his way of reciprocating to our hidden agenda. It might be case-specific, but all gay-straight crushes involve a distinct line which must not be crossed, and it’s safe for me to recall that this final limit was never within sight. I played my part inconspicuously, unless he observed my every gesture, there were barely any traces of my sentiments toward him. Every move I played put a defined distance between us, resulting in an irreparable gap that I can now admit dejected a bleak situation to a hopeless one.
There was something special in the words of my friend and the inconclusive answer that she beckoned for though it was all shrouded amongst the white lies, the girls, the guys, and the borderline love. Could I even pick out what I really felt before, because every time I see him, I’m overwhelmed by a concoction of emotions so potently brewed over a year and a half. I wish I could throw up what I’ve already ingested, so the residues of this strained crush could finally be put behind me. No longer do I want to suffer the aftereffects, but I do so each time I have to hide what I desire. Such as telling every interested ear that I thought I was truly in love with someone, but not who he was. The delusion has long since been dismissed, for what I felt was not love, no matter how powerful my desire was; after all, it was just one-sided. Although my better judgment tells me to learn from this, I cannot help not remember feeling shaken from it as well. Deep down I want this to be the one and only exposition that is better left sealed in the past.
Lyrics- Silent
This morning I found myself explaining the same old, yet twisted tale of my buried love for a man. A mutual friend of my housemate’s stayed the night and in the morning we talked over some porridge breakfast. She told me my housemate may be getting a boyfriend soon to which I delightedly congratulated the idea as well our friend’s matchmaking skills. In just one lapse in reasoning, before I could stop myself, I mistakenly asked her if she could set me up as well. She remarked “I don’t know…I thought you liked someone”.
The person she referred to was probably what I told my housemate about my second unrequited love, of course, they were not informed of the sex of this individual, or was it more like I intentionally kept referring to him as a “her”. It isn’t uncommon anymore for me to casually chatter up a conversation with my friends about who I like, it’s a mutually beneficial one, I tell them what I want to say, they hear what they want to hear. It’s weird for an older teen to continually digress away from the subject of love interests- “oh well, no one in mind currently” “not right now, no love interest for me at the moment”. I feel like I’m biting my own words again of “not misleading anyone anymore”, but this is what it takes, at least before I mention a word of my innate preferences.
Jokingly I asked “Can you find me someone?”
Miss J: “I don’t know…I thought you liked someone”.
“Well I got over her"
She questions “How did you get over her?”
I could barely answer, so the next most fitting response was “I forced myself to”
She inquired, “Did she have a boyfriend” He had a girlfriend
“Yes, she did last semester, I don’t know about now, we don’t talk much”…I regret continuing “I don’t even think we’re friends.”
Immediately she rebuked “What? Why did you like her?” him…
Kris: “…”
Kris: “Cause I just did” A most unsatisfying answer to her and myself
Miss J: “You’re weird”
I returned with a lame comeback “You’re weird too, wasn’t it the same with the guy you liked”
Miss J: “Nooo.”
Kris: “Oh.”
Ms. J begged the question again “How do you like someone you don’t even know?”
The same question that made my heart skip the first time asked, but I still had no sufficient answer for her. Nothing I said would be appropriate to describe the relationship of a gay guy watching a straight guy from the borders of each other’s lives. Because simply, it was just that. The basis for our liking does not have to be the normal interactions of a girl and a guy, and usually it isn’t. With a straight man, our hope is every talk we have, every hangout, and every friendly touch he makes is his way of reciprocating to our hidden agenda. It might be case-specific, but all gay-straight crushes involve a distinct line which must not be crossed, and it’s safe for me to recall that this final limit was never within sight. I played my part inconspicuously, unless he observed my every gesture, there were barely any traces of my sentiments toward him. Every move I played put a defined distance between us, resulting in an irreparable gap that I can now admit dejected a bleak situation to a hopeless one.
There was something special in the words of my friend and the inconclusive answer that she beckoned for though it was all shrouded amongst the white lies, the girls, the guys, and the borderline love. Could I even pick out what I really felt before, because every time I see him, I’m overwhelmed by a concoction of emotions so potently brewed over a year and a half. I wish I could throw up what I’ve already ingested, so the residues of this strained crush could finally be put behind me. No longer do I want to suffer the aftereffects, but I do so each time I have to hide what I desire. Such as telling every interested ear that I thought I was truly in love with someone, but not who he was. The delusion has long since been dismissed, for what I felt was not love, no matter how powerful my desire was; after all, it was just one-sided. Although my better judgment tells me to learn from this, I cannot help not remember feeling shaken from it as well. Deep down I want this to be the one and only exposition that is better left sealed in the past.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Summer Blues
Farewell summer, your warmth has finally reached me.
The summer of 2009 was nice and breezy, easy and relaxing, time ticked away slowly, yet when it ended the actual passings of each day seemed much shorter. This season certainly has its perks; The sunny days, the resplendent skies, and of clouds that billowed by, I took it all in while walking to and fro on my daily tread to the library. Greedily, I assimilated myself to all the surrounding scenery, although with the poor quality cellphone camera that belittles what your eyes could see for itself, but still, I tried to capture these few treasures on the brightest days here. Looking up at the clear-blue vastness and almost tripping on my missteps due to uncompleted sidewalks, I've never found a scene more glamorous and animated to observe than the neighborhoods filled with summer colors and softly breezed through by some gentle wind. Though it may get humid, and for sure it got sweltering, it provided more fuel to the cause to...go to the pool, the beach, or letting go of our self-discipline for ice cream. Personally, I went to the pool (thanks JF), the beach (thanks a ton JF), and had more than my share of ice cream too! Summer has never been my favorite period, but for once I began to cherish bits of this year's summery days, trying to catch its zeal before it fleets away. A tardy effort since it'll continue on its way as if it's impolite to overstay its welcome, but only ends up returning shamelessly the next time around. The end of this summer symbolizes the end of my solitude, marking a change in my perspective and gone now will be those doleful summertimes. Summer has grown on me and I have grown new fondness for it. The next year when I start to feel my skin sweat, I won't be haughty or in a foul mood, I'll accommodate myself to celebrate this one indispensable anniversary.
Being busy with school, I haven't had time to acknowledge a slight change in my mood towards summer. So before I forget, I'll say my goodbyes to summer early and wave excitedly to our parting, since I will see you again right on time next year.
The summer of 2009 was nice and breezy, easy and relaxing, time ticked away slowly, yet when it ended the actual passings of each day seemed much shorter. This season certainly has its perks; The sunny days, the resplendent skies, and of clouds that billowed by, I took it all in while walking to and fro on my daily tread to the library. Greedily, I assimilated myself to all the surrounding scenery, although with the poor quality cellphone camera that belittles what your eyes could see for itself, but still, I tried to capture these few treasures on the brightest days here. Looking up at the clear-blue vastness and almost tripping on my missteps due to uncompleted sidewalks, I've never found a scene more glamorous and animated to observe than the neighborhoods filled with summer colors and softly breezed through by some gentle wind. Though it may get humid, and for sure it got sweltering, it provided more fuel to the cause to...go to the pool, the beach, or letting go of our self-discipline for ice cream. Personally, I went to the pool (thanks JF), the beach (thanks a ton JF), and had more than my share of ice cream too! Summer has never been my favorite period, but for once I began to cherish bits of this year's summery days, trying to catch its zeal before it fleets away. A tardy effort since it'll continue on its way as if it's impolite to overstay its welcome, but only ends up returning shamelessly the next time around. The end of this summer symbolizes the end of my solitude, marking a change in my perspective and gone now will be those doleful summertimes. Summer has grown on me and I have grown new fondness for it. The next year when I start to feel my skin sweat, I won't be haughty or in a foul mood, I'll accommodate myself to celebrate this one indispensable anniversary.
Being busy with school, I haven't had time to acknowledge a slight change in my mood towards summer. So before I forget, I'll say my goodbyes to summer early and wave excitedly to our parting, since I will see you again right on time next year.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Troublesome Humor or Humorous Trouble?
Mailbox, you and I end here...
I went home and asked my friend for advice on what I should do about Fred's books. And she said I should take his books with me and leave a note in his mailbox to tell him I had it. Honestly, I thought that was kind of creepy-ish, though I really have no right to say that after trying to open every mailbox in the whole place. Well I decided to stop by the office while my housemate and I were waiting for the bus to go on to campus anyways. I went to check the locker to see if his books were there, thankfully yes, and I also showed her how my key opens Fred's mailbox just as easily as it does our compartment. Off I went then to report my problem, but the office people were really confused with what happened here. I'm just relieved they didn't press me on the issue that I should have gone home and looked for my mailbox number instead of...y'know. Well they seemed to grasp the concept after a few more explanations of what mailbox I opened, why the key wouldn't come out, and that books were still left unlocked in the open. And actually they came up with the most reasonable solution to the overly complicated mess I got myself into, just go deliver the books to the guy myself. Wow, that was simple. Was I too dumbfounded by my mailbox situation that I couldn't figure that out? Maybe. I sprinted out, all excited that I'm finally doing the right reparations to fix this. It was all about to be resolved! I grabbed the locker handle and opened the locker....the books...were GONE!! I freaked out! What are the chances that in the 10 minutes I last checked it, it would be missing?!?! Probability sucks, chance sucks, so for the last time I decided to open his mailbox, and found out his usual letters and newspaper were also taken. I'm supposing now that Fred was the person that got all his mail as well as his books since that's all I could really hope for! Well most likely it is what happened as I went back to the office and they told me not to worry about it anymore, and then I thought about it again.
Many things in my life seem to resolve itself without me really doing anything. The only difference between me reporting and not reporting the mix up is the knowledge I tried my best to fix the situation. It seems my life may be planned to be undramatic, rarely any friend fights, never any illicit trysts. Boring? But I'm not complaining, people who look for stress will find it. And perhaps I was as lucky as originally thought, I didn't have to get officially involved with Fred and he never had to know about me opening his mailboxes, several times. Thanks Fred for checking for your own books, and we will most likely never meet.
If Fred looked anything like him, maybe I would've missed not meeting him
well...
i'm just dreaming
I went home and asked my friend for advice on what I should do about Fred's books. And she said I should take his books with me and leave a note in his mailbox to tell him I had it. Honestly, I thought that was kind of creepy-ish, though I really have no right to say that after trying to open every mailbox in the whole place. Well I decided to stop by the office while my housemate and I were waiting for the bus to go on to campus anyways. I went to check the locker to see if his books were there, thankfully yes, and I also showed her how my key opens Fred's mailbox just as easily as it does our compartment. Off I went then to report my problem, but the office people were really confused with what happened here. I'm just relieved they didn't press me on the issue that I should have gone home and looked for my mailbox number instead of...y'know. Well they seemed to grasp the concept after a few more explanations of what mailbox I opened, why the key wouldn't come out, and that books were still left unlocked in the open. And actually they came up with the most reasonable solution to the overly complicated mess I got myself into, just go deliver the books to the guy myself. Wow, that was simple. Was I too dumbfounded by my mailbox situation that I couldn't figure that out? Maybe. I sprinted out, all excited that I'm finally doing the right reparations to fix this. It was all about to be resolved! I grabbed the locker handle and opened the locker....the books...were GONE!! I freaked out! What are the chances that in the 10 minutes I last checked it, it would be missing?!?! Probability sucks, chance sucks, so for the last time I decided to open his mailbox, and found out his usual letters and newspaper were also taken. I'm supposing now that Fred was the person that got all his mail as well as his books since that's all I could really hope for! Well most likely it is what happened as I went back to the office and they told me not to worry about it anymore, and then I thought about it again.
Many things in my life seem to resolve itself without me really doing anything. The only difference between me reporting and not reporting the mix up is the knowledge I tried my best to fix the situation. It seems my life may be planned to be undramatic, rarely any friend fights, never any illicit trysts. Boring? But I'm not complaining, people who look for stress will find it. And perhaps I was as lucky as originally thought, I didn't have to get officially involved with Fred and he never had to know about me opening his mailboxes, several times. Thanks Fred for checking for your own books, and we will most likely never meet.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Drought
Have my entries just flopped over and dried up to a carcass of what it originally was in the summer?
Yes, this is what I think and I had to force myself to realize I'm really not taking the time to update, not to mention not even trying my best to practice writing. Guilt and laziness have been having a competition this past week and without saying, laziness won the last 6 days. This guilt stems from me not staying consistent , it's just been very easy to get carried away by the current at college. The only reason guilt could finally overcome laziness, what I know of as the reigning champion of moods in me, was the little bits of motivation from you guys' entries. Collectively, you guys have chipped away my apathetic exterior. Overtime the small pieces of feelings and thoughts left behind from reading other blog entries began to light my fuel again. The embers begin to glow again, although, this fire still feels cold to the touch. To not leave a part of my soul behind, I will quickly write some things I wanted to write full blog entries for, but procrastinated. Now it's just a glimpse back.
I live at a townhouse this year and all the mailboxes of every house in the community is placed in one area. When school hadn't started yet, in my boredom, I went to check the mail. By the time I got to the area of 10 mailboxes, each divided into 16 smaller boxes, I realized I never looked up which box out of the 160 boxes was mine. I live in the last row of houses in the community, so I decided to try my luck. At the time I didn't really calculate accurately so I impulsively decided to try opening them all. It got awkward at times when other community neighbors drove near the area, I had to act naturally, exactly the opposite of a creeper trying to unlock the whole place's mailbox. After around ...25...26...27th box my key went in the hole and turned. Like striking gold, I felt ecstatic that today I was a pretty lucky man.
Inside was a pile of white letterings and newspaper. I looked on the address of the mail and it read Frederick S----, but I concluded that it was just the last year's resident's name and mail. I was completely ignorant of the fact that the address listed below the name was not my house's address. I pressed on. Also a key to the locker for bigger packages laid in the mailbox. This key convinced me, if I wasn't already, since I was waiting for my books to arrive this week as well. To my fault, I opened the bigger locker and there were at least 5 books in there! Whoa! All my books already shipped here? Probability must have shut its mouth for the day, lucky me~ Actually it had the last word, written in the same exact words of "Frederick S----". Astonishment, realization, and idiocy...in that order I got it all wrong. The mailbox I opened wasn't mine, it belonged to Fred. Yea, that must be why the address printed did not even have the same street as mine. Well, I thought "I'll put the locker key in his mailbox again so he can get his books later." I closed the locker door and tried to take out the key, but it wouldn't even budge! The second barrage of Ari struck. I'm really battling luck today. The key was only suppose to open the locker once and the mailman was suppose to pick up the key after the rightful person opened it and retrieved the contents. So now the locker was left opened to the public, it can also be stolen... the community office was closed so I had no other solution left. Well I did lock up his mailbox, it was the least I could manage after a series of frown-face :( events. I mean I was so sure of myself, my key opened the box, it must be my mailbox. So I left the locker with his books there unlocked, unable to think of a resolution and begging that not stealing is still a virtue.
It's not over!! I don't understand how I ended up writing so much that I need to explain the second day of this accident in another post, perhaps I really have been deprived of writing x] I thought I could fit all 3 things I wanted to share in this one post, guess not!
Pictures I took around the same time frame this happened, all from my cell.
On the road driving to my college house
The scenery was so incredible I took many pictures of it. Is God coming? ;)
The biggest rainbow I've ever seen in my life happened that week too!
When my housemate moved in, we went out to my favorite Thai restaurant in the quiet city.
Yes, this is what I think and I had to force myself to realize I'm really not taking the time to update, not to mention not even trying my best to practice writing. Guilt and laziness have been having a competition this past week and without saying, laziness won the last 6 days. This guilt stems from me not staying consistent , it's just been very easy to get carried away by the current at college. The only reason guilt could finally overcome laziness, what I know of as the reigning champion of moods in me, was the little bits of motivation from you guys' entries. Collectively, you guys have chipped away my apathetic exterior. Overtime the small pieces of feelings and thoughts left behind from reading other blog entries began to light my fuel again. The embers begin to glow again, although, this fire still feels cold to the touch. To not leave a part of my soul behind, I will quickly write some things I wanted to write full blog entries for, but procrastinated. Now it's just a glimpse back.
I live at a townhouse this year and all the mailboxes of every house in the community is placed in one area. When school hadn't started yet, in my boredom, I went to check the mail. By the time I got to the area of 10 mailboxes, each divided into 16 smaller boxes, I realized I never looked up which box out of the 160 boxes was mine. I live in the last row of houses in the community, so I decided to try my luck. At the time I didn't really calculate accurately so I impulsively decided to try opening them all. It got awkward at times when other community neighbors drove near the area, I had to act naturally, exactly the opposite of a creeper trying to unlock the whole place's mailbox. After around ...25...26...27th box my key went in the hole and turned. Like striking gold, I felt ecstatic that today I was a pretty lucky man.
Inside was a pile of white letterings and newspaper. I looked on the address of the mail and it read Frederick S----, but I concluded that it was just the last year's resident's name and mail. I was completely ignorant of the fact that the address listed below the name was not my house's address. I pressed on. Also a key to the locker for bigger packages laid in the mailbox. This key convinced me, if I wasn't already, since I was waiting for my books to arrive this week as well. To my fault, I opened the bigger locker and there were at least 5 books in there! Whoa! All my books already shipped here? Probability must have shut its mouth for the day, lucky me~ Actually it had the last word, written in the same exact words of "Frederick S----". Astonishment, realization, and idiocy...in that order I got it all wrong. The mailbox I opened wasn't mine, it belonged to Fred. Yea, that must be why the address printed did not even have the same street as mine. Well, I thought "I'll put the locker key in his mailbox again so he can get his books later." I closed the locker door and tried to take out the key, but it wouldn't even budge! The second barrage of Ari struck. I'm really battling luck today. The key was only suppose to open the locker once and the mailman was suppose to pick up the key after the rightful person opened it and retrieved the contents. So now the locker was left opened to the public, it can also be stolen... the community office was closed so I had no other solution left. Well I did lock up his mailbox, it was the least I could manage after a series of frown-face :( events. I mean I was so sure of myself, my key opened the box, it must be my mailbox. So I left the locker with his books there unlocked, unable to think of a resolution and begging that not stealing is still a virtue.
It's not over!! I don't understand how I ended up writing so much that I need to explain the second day of this accident in another post, perhaps I really have been deprived of writing x] I thought I could fit all 3 things I wanted to share in this one post, guess not!
Pictures I took around the same time frame this happened, all from my cell.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
A little Something Personal
I write about weddings, things in my imagination, and relationships with my family and friends, but I would like to finally share a few personal things. I’ve been yearning to write a casual post, something un-profound and pertaining to my private life.
Foremost of all, I’m returning to college today, in about an hour I’m going to head to my newly leased apartment living with one guy and two girls, all Taiwanese, coincidentally haha. One guy and girl are brothers and sisters, and no worries for me since I have absolutely no attraction to my roommate. That’s not an insult to him though! He already has a gf in California anyways. My mother really approves of me cooking for myself at school so yesterday we shopped 5-6 bags of groceries for things I need to cook. Thanks Mom =)
I’m a sophomore (2nd year) in college and I’m a computer science major, but I’m not sure if I want to stick in that major. My very kind Uncle also works in the computer field, he is quite proud I’m studying in his field, but I just can’t be confident that this is the right path for me. I only stick with it because it’s a viable option as a decent career (makes $$) and lack of a better interest. What does my father think? I have no idea because he still lives in Taiwan, all by himself.
I’ve also committed a dastardly deed, repeatedly, for one week. I drove the car without a license! As illegal as it is, I did not feel too guilty since I only drove about a quarter of a mile (.5 km???), just to the library. I was surprised I was daring enough to drive by myself, but I also learned when I do something for myself, I get the most out of it.
Also I wanted to impart to you bloggers how appreciative I am for all of you guys. Thanks for reading (even commenting with your helpful knowledge and experiences), more importantly, thank you for writing your own blogs. It’s indescribable how much it has helped me to develop and mature in my thinking. For once in my life I feel like I’m not alone in my situation as a gay. I could always relate to my friends in their problems and endeavors as normal or as abnormal as they were. But who could relate to me? As a closeted gay, I could not reach out to anyone and that feeling only grows worse the longer you keep it to yourself. But just revealing that fact online, telling even one soul, where we can share stories, support each other, even as the strangest of strangers…that was enough for me. Actually I was wrong, this has been more than I could ever have asked for. Thank you very much everyone, especially Mr. n, you know who you are!!
I was thinking of adding a picture of me would be a fitting end to this post, because really I don’t feel like we’re strangers at all anymore.
Perhaps you cannot call me your friend, but at least I know we’re more than mere acquaintances now.
Ironically I divulge so much information and pictures of events that anyone who knows me in real life or on facebook would know I wrote all of it, although this blog is actually suppose to be anonymous!! But sometimes even I forget that :)
I wish I looked like this
p.s.I apologize that you have to read the whole post to pick out any info on me!
Foremost of all, I’m returning to college today, in about an hour I’m going to head to my newly leased apartment living with one guy and two girls, all Taiwanese, coincidentally haha. One guy and girl are brothers and sisters, and no worries for me since I have absolutely no attraction to my roommate. That’s not an insult to him though! He already has a gf in California anyways. My mother really approves of me cooking for myself at school so yesterday we shopped 5-6 bags of groceries for things I need to cook. Thanks Mom =)
I’m a sophomore (2nd year) in college and I’m a computer science major, but I’m not sure if I want to stick in that major. My very kind Uncle also works in the computer field, he is quite proud I’m studying in his field, but I just can’t be confident that this is the right path for me. I only stick with it because it’s a viable option as a decent career (makes $$) and lack of a better interest. What does my father think? I have no idea because he still lives in Taiwan, all by himself.
I’ve also committed a dastardly deed, repeatedly, for one week. I drove the car without a license! As illegal as it is, I did not feel too guilty since I only drove about a quarter of a mile (.5 km???), just to the library. I was surprised I was daring enough to drive by myself, but I also learned when I do something for myself, I get the most out of it.
Also I wanted to impart to you bloggers how appreciative I am for all of you guys. Thanks for reading (even commenting with your helpful knowledge and experiences), more importantly, thank you for writing your own blogs. It’s indescribable how much it has helped me to develop and mature in my thinking. For once in my life I feel like I’m not alone in my situation as a gay. I could always relate to my friends in their problems and endeavors as normal or as abnormal as they were. But who could relate to me? As a closeted gay, I could not reach out to anyone and that feeling only grows worse the longer you keep it to yourself. But just revealing that fact online, telling even one soul, where we can share stories, support each other, even as the strangest of strangers…that was enough for me. Actually I was wrong, this has been more than I could ever have asked for. Thank you very much everyone, especially Mr. n, you know who you are!!
I was thinking of adding a picture of me would be a fitting end to this post, because really I don’t feel like we’re strangers at all anymore.
Perhaps you cannot call me your friend, but at least I know we’re more than mere acquaintances now.
Ironically I divulge so much information and pictures of events that anyone who knows me in real life or on facebook would know I wrote all of it, although this blog is actually suppose to be anonymous!! But sometimes even I forget that :)
p.s.I apologize that you have to read the whole post to pick out any info on me!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
月亮代表我的心
Watching love from the sidelines can be painful, but this time it surely didn’t feel like it.
It seemed like everyone at my table was getting along quite well. The camaraderie between these strangers bloomed well under the happy mood of the wedding. I was next to my sister, but she was being well attended to by the guy next to her, but I had little care about my own well-being because I was also deeply under the influence of the intoxicating mood. The environment was a perfect buffer against those lonely thoughts: “Where’s my hubby-to-be?” “Will that cute guy glance my way again since he nodded to me at the church?” “Could two guys’ wedding be as beautiful as this?”. I never answered them, I just stopped wondering; there just was no time to lose focus on myself. Optimism paved the way forward, and as that future path cleared in my head, I turned up in time to notice the light as well as the chatter dimming. A beautiful jazz sound permeated the room, sweeping through the room and stilling the air, or what also felt like the time around us.
The groom extended a hand to his bride; it was as much a gesture of his manners as it was an offering of his heart to hers. Fortunately the dim lighting conveniently helped to conceal her blushing face, just in case she did. All eyes were on the eminent couple of this night, they could withstand our gaze though, well, they probably weren’t even able to notice their surroundings. At that moment I thought they could think of nothing else except for each other. They walked to the center of the stage where they began to dance tightly within each other’s embrace, moving slowly and romantically. Her small hands were rested on his shoulders, he held her up and she became his support. Partners in dance and now partners in life. Now I was thankful for the dark room that hid my teary eyes. Seriously, the background jazz instrumental of 月亮代表我的心 (The Moon Represents My Heart) did little to keep our emotions from getting flustered and our tears at bay. The groom guided my friend with his forceful, yet gentle steps. Her feet swiftly stepped the ground and she followed his lead because she knew she could trust him. Their waltz ended up being a direct translation of their assuredness for each other. We could all sense how special this moment was for them, but it influenced us as well. I could feel their tenderness for one another, I could see his intangible love for her, and I could hear the music echoing her matching feelings right back to him. It was suffocating, in the way that their movements took my breath away. They moved in a languid fashion until the song of eternal love came to an end. Did time freeze right there? I know it did for them. But to not be rude to their guests they returned from their world, temporarily back to ours.
It seemed like everyone at my table was getting along quite well. The camaraderie between these strangers bloomed well under the happy mood of the wedding. I was next to my sister, but she was being well attended to by the guy next to her, but I had little care about my own well-being because I was also deeply under the influence of the intoxicating mood. The environment was a perfect buffer against those lonely thoughts: “Where’s my hubby-to-be?” “Will that cute guy glance my way again since he nodded to me at the church?” “Could two guys’ wedding be as beautiful as this?”. I never answered them, I just stopped wondering; there just was no time to lose focus on myself. Optimism paved the way forward, and as that future path cleared in my head, I turned up in time to notice the light as well as the chatter dimming. A beautiful jazz sound permeated the room, sweeping through the room and stilling the air, or what also felt like the time around us.
The groom extended a hand to his bride; it was as much a gesture of his manners as it was an offering of his heart to hers. Fortunately the dim lighting conveniently helped to conceal her blushing face, just in case she did. All eyes were on the eminent couple of this night, they could withstand our gaze though, well, they probably weren’t even able to notice their surroundings. At that moment I thought they could think of nothing else except for each other. They walked to the center of the stage where they began to dance tightly within each other’s embrace, moving slowly and romantically. Her small hands were rested on his shoulders, he held her up and she became his support. Partners in dance and now partners in life. Now I was thankful for the dark room that hid my teary eyes. Seriously, the background jazz instrumental of 月亮代表我的心 (The Moon Represents My Heart) did little to keep our emotions from getting flustered and our tears at bay. The groom guided my friend with his forceful, yet gentle steps. Her feet swiftly stepped the ground and she followed his lead because she knew she could trust him. Their waltz ended up being a direct translation of their assuredness for each other. We could all sense how special this moment was for them, but it influenced us as well. I could feel their tenderness for one another, I could see his intangible love for her, and I could hear the music echoing her matching feelings right back to him. It was suffocating, in the way that their movements took my breath away. They moved in a languid fashion until the song of eternal love came to an end. Did time freeze right there? I know it did for them. But to not be rude to their guests they returned from their world, temporarily back to ours.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
A Toast to a Wedding of Success
At the altar they stood, looking lovingly into each other eyes while holding onto one another, saying those coveted words of “I do”. Now their lives are entangle until death do they part, together they are one, standing for one marriage with completely bounded hearts. The bride and groom's mother proceeded to light the wedding candle, signifying their family are now irrevocably intertwined. The exception being that the candles of the couple's hearts have not just been lit, it has only been spurred to a glorious blaze. In the same reference of time, I was grinning with excitement and graciousness just at the thought of how I witnessed such a magnificent and joyous occasion.
It was only last saturday that I attended family friend's wedding, but very grateful I could accompany them on one of their happiest day of their lives. In short, it was absolutely beautiful; besides the impressively picked décor, I am mainly talking about the couple's interaction. That was what stood out, what stunned me almost to happy, yet melancholic tears. The ceremony was touching, but perhaps it was more exciting for us observers as evidenced by all the cameras flashing like twinkling stars do on the most serene of nights. Of course I was on board with the rest of the wedding crew, spazzing my index finger over , click after click, as the saying goes “if you can't beat them, join them!” Thankfully the wedding procedurals were kept to a minimum; the mother's candle lighting, the pastor's blessings, the vow exchange, the ring exchange, the husband and wife candle lighting, and the climactic Kiss. *mwah* This part of the wedding happened so fast that I believe my constant picture taking captured enough. Thankfully, my sister was right besides me, clicking away, the perfect photographer's companion. As the event inside the church ended, the events outside began. We hurried out as the time for the wedding reception was right around the corner. Hold up though, before that, we
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)