The Gay Talking Heads

"I didn't have any gay friends in high school, only until I got here that I..."
"HAHA he's such a fruitcake..."
"My gay friend..."

On just this one night, I heard these half-sentences being tossed through my university's dining hall. And each conversation started sounding more appetizing than that chicken sandwich from the newly renovated burger stand. These exciting eavesdropped developments couldn't get any juicier! How are the gays (just me) at my school containing their joy, we have gotten what we always wanted- awareness! I do prefer praise and adulation over notoriety and derogatory remarks, but change is change and at least half of change is progress right? We're actually getting talked about now, the hot topic that could last a week, month, year!?

But where are all these repudiated gay guys at my school? Everywhere it seems! It's as if I was stricken by temporary blindness and rediscovered sociology in the recovery process. Before I get ahead of myself though, I realized lately that I have been noticing more guys that flaunt their hands when they talk and some others that walk so horizontally as if they had the legs of a flamingo. Good for them for not walking like the rest of us.

Though the icing on the cake came when I witnessed an immensely long (5 seconds) embrace by two guys right there packed. At that point, I believe I double-backed away from my destination then proceeded to walk around a half circle two too many times eying them the whole time until finally I was blocked by a road obstruction in the form of some human girl. There I stood as if I was one of the salad bar customers which has never happened before. I was so out of place there that I was able to shake myself out of my own self-induced gay trance.

I tried my best to think of something convincing, "No Kris, they are just REALLY good friends. Yea, definitely." (I believed myself since I've never invested in a gaydar of my own) But even without a pair of antennas, I could feel something different from what was seemingly any simple hug between dudes. Loneliness has worked great at sharpening my hypersensitivity to these things and my paranoia.

After tonight's events I couldn't help, but start putting any people setting off my tingling senses even slightly in the same square. My T.A. suddenly looks gay now and this German classmate that I often feel stern stares from is probably gay too, and this friend of min... though I better quit while I'm ahead.

Despite being nearly overloaded by gay stimuli, after living out a few more hours of my life, the familiar and the mundane slowly intruded back into my routines. My discrete math test is still on Thursday. My resume lays there as blank as three months ago. The street I walk back every night is just as empty. So actually where are all the gay guys here? Maybe sitting on that rising horizon, the one that never gets any closer.

Photograph by Kris Hoet

Just Go

So the thing is, I'm not really important. I'm gay, have mediocre grades, unmotivated to say the least, and in general lazy about everything. I'm nothing much, so it's ok that when you need me, I'm there and when I need you, you don't have to be. I've been shrugging off the times you come and go and don't say a word to me. But even if I'm average at best, you're a selfish prick at the least. It's fun to play computer games and basketball with all these other friends, right? I guess I never fit into your scheme of how friendship should be, so us being friends almost feels like an inconvenience. And it's because of my low self-esteem that sometimes I believe that I'm the one who wronged you. Although, by the second time I think about it, it's clear that you're the one not trying. You're the only person that I've ever told I'm gay, and all you can cry to me about is how you've lost your love. Wallow in your self-pity as I do, but I know what a meaningless path that leads to. But you know, at least you got to experience love, do you know what 10 years of lonliness feels like? I can basically summarize it for you as one of the most crippling, self-loathing aspects I have about myself. Feeling empty in my soul and cramping over a pit in my stomach truly tests my daily endurance. You don't need to question me on my love life, but if you really cared, you could at least have mentioned it. If I'm the only friend a friend of mine has told his or her life secret to, I know I would have the sympathy to talk to them about it time to time. I almost regret telling you I'm gay because I would not have the expectation of thinking that I actually have a friend that I can talk to.

Since I purposely tried to keep a distance from you so these type of incidents that wouldn't happen that are happening now, wouldn't pain me like how I predicted. I'm not strong enough to keep a lukewarm friend like you that will one day eventually leave. No one can have everything so stop putting forth different fronts to other people and make a choice- the one that doesn't include me. I already know oh so well that when the time comes you won't stand by me and it is just as well that I can't tolerate those who will throw me away at their own convenience. I'm trying to live by the adage “Life is too short, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't”. Perhaps just as wise though is something that you said so yourself "It hurts to know someone that made you think that you were important to them, thinks nothing much of you now." And both are absolutely right.

Give Me Less Expectations

It's been two weeks and I never got back around to say what happened to coming out. Well, I didn't chicken out, but I ended up not having much to say about the whole shebang cause everything is still mostly about the same. I guess for a recap though for anyone who might be curious...So I turned 21 last last Saturday and around 3 in the morning I asked him to leave our group game to come and talk with me outside. He sat down on the steps leading towards the second level of apartments and I sat on the ground in front. I leaned towards the wall for imaginary support, and I wanted to say something, but I forgot how to speak.



I used the only line I prepared over five weeks. "Can I tell you a secret, D?"

He turned his head to me and looked at me. "Huh? I'm not sure...is it a big secret?"

"Yea it is *nighttime noises* do you still want to know?"

D- "mm...yes...I think I can listen to it. I think I know what you want to say though."

I think my eyes widened "Really?? Do you know?"
D- "I think so."

I put the back of my head on the wall and looked up. My mouth opened, but it was still silent. The cold air of that night in combination with my nerves made me shiver uncontrollably.



Kris- "This is so hard to say..." And the moment dragged...until it felt like I was going to back out of everything I've planned.

But I realized that I've gone so far, said too much, why not just get it over with. I felt no rush of courage, just one blank feeling that I can no longer be quiet about this. There is no better time or day, I'm already fully prepared for one of the hundreds of devastating outcomes.

"I like boys." Before I said it, I turned to see his face because I knew he wouldn't be able to hide his reaction. And what? His eyes just widened and said "I didn't expect this at all."
Kris- "What?"
D- "I thought you were going to say something completely different." He was expecting me to talk about my past with that girl, which by the way, D and her are a couple as of now.

We talked a bit, I can't even remember all of it. Bits and pieces about how sure I am about how gay I am and how I am trying to convey to him it's not a choice at least in my case. And it's because he's Christian. He knows that what I'm saying is probably true, but Christianity doesn't let you off the hook that easily. But I'm not trying to destroy his religious beliefs in the first place. What was kinda surprising is that he traded his life secret with me as well.

And then a week passed now. We talked about it a few times after he looked it up on Christian websites and talked to his church people. But besides that nothing is different and I'm almost glad for once that my life is routinely the same. I knew that too, I knew change was always hard, but I was so hyped up to come out that I had no idea that things would turn out so...normal. I think I need to come out to more people. joking. for now.



But y'know, D doesn't understand, he doesn't understand at all. But it's ok, I shouldn't expect understanding, acceptance, and better outcomes. It hurt for awhile letting him tell me how he thinks I can change, but if it's the last thing I do for him as a friend, it's to open his eyes, let him know that 'gay' is so far from being wrong. And one day he might decide to stand up for me when our friends disregard me and others start to look at me with disdain. I hope these are my friends, the types who would be willing to defend me because they believe me as their friend and know me as I am.

Nothing Better

I'm so far past jealousy that I'm running into my demise. The "guy" is just about to date her and then I remember how I hate it when I'm right. Wished that my predictions weren't spot on when I get to thinking clearly. The freakiest thing is that it is always here first that I admit to myself that he didn't like me and was about to get another girlfriend. I guess it's just that when I talk out here I speak more truthfully than when I speak with myself. But it's sickening- them two and I'm not even jealous of them. Only envious of the fact they found each other, as casual as strolling through a park on Sunday and as simple as drinking a glass of water.

And I don't think I can put it any more ironically when I tell you that she is the girl who liked me last semester.(I didn't date her because I couldn't convince myself that I might turn straight. Better safe than sorry) And just two nights ago she discussed with me the details of all the things happening between the lovely pair leading up to this point. Thank God that it wasn't painful because somehow a guy I couldn't get over for a year has made me realize my stupid mistakes on top of even stupider judgments. I just want to rock out and sing it all away. I was genuinely fine talking to her about him just like I was straight and just like how I didn't think about him every single day. Good, cause at least I'm moving on also like I predicted last post.

I tell her to just admit that she likes him because she is dense like me. And it was not even a few days ago that I also advised him what to do about his crush on her. I told him that when you really like someone, the circumstances don't matter. It became his facebook status the next day. The only thing wrong with this is how it doesn't work for me. Circumstances do matter for me because if they're not gay, if he's not gay then love doesn't work out like magic. And now I'm deeper in realization of how I'm playing a role in helping them get together, but it is far from a crushing defeat. Because I'm sure now that I can't get him, and more sure that I will need to find someone else, and surest that I can let go of him to a great friend. That's hard as I know 0 gay guys here. But that's all I needed to patch up my life and get on with it even with a few rips and stitches here and there. And I really think I'm in an advantageous position at this point; I know both of them well so if I want to know anything I can ask; I'm about to come out to that guy and if it's uneasy for him to accept then he'll force some distance between us. And I sure could use some distance from him. There is nothing better than knowing the truth.

"Nothing better, nothing better than you." Take care you two =)

I Want to Understand….you

“Would a hug have made it better?”

Awhile back, I started thinking of a story that happened maybe 6 weeks ago. An extremely short one that consisted of only a momentary conversation that probably lasted less than two minutes. I happened to be on campus that night, spending our university’s food punch before it expired. I checked out the ice cream line because I definitely craved for something sweet that night. Weighing the situation between my housemate scouting for a parking space outside and the line of around 6 people in front of me, I just decided to follow my temptation. I considerately called up my housemate asking if he parked, although he didn’t, he still gave me the okay to just get whatever sweet satisfaction I needed. Weirdly enough, before my housemate came inside, a classmate from last semester happen to stop by me. Oh! It was the affable Travis, who I happened to think was the cutest guy in that class. We had spoken a countable number of times before, and he reminded me that evening on what subject we spoke about every time: a small presentation I had given in that class.

We exchanged the usual catch-up talk, in the meanwhile I was thinking wow, he seems happy to see me! I was surprised he even remembered me! He responded with “Of course! You gave the best eggs presentation I’ve ever seen”, on the contrary, he couldn’t quite recall my name. Well didn’t I only remember his because I was corrected after mistakenly calling him Travis the last time we spoke? Although I don’t care so much, at least he had the first letter of my name on the tip of his tongue. We just chitchatted lightly, but it left such a merry impression that has contentedly recurred through my thoughts. Who could have known just a few sentences from someone barely an acquaintance, would leave such a cheeky feeling graffitied on your heart.

Though the conversation was encouraging, something about Travis’ appearance disturbed me. He looked skinnier, indeed noticeably in the manner of his seemingly more slender figure and gaunt face. I wanted to ask,

“Hey…have you been eating well, you look skinnier!!!”

“Hey has everything been good with you?”

Sadly that is the limitation between someone you’ve just met. Though I feel I need not worry because his usual jovialness was still apparent. Maybe he was just more unkempt than usual that night; still, if I could I want to be of some sort of comfort to him if he is stressed or dealing with some heavy pressures. For a kind person that stops to see how I’m doing, even though we could be the strangest of strangers, you simply reached out to talk to me first, the least I can do for you is to listen back to your troubles. Whenever you grabbed my attention to converse, it did not sound like a chore or a responsibility, your concern was at least this genuine. And I also want to say you have one of the most endearing tone of care in your voice. Our hasty meeting also gave me a touch of confidence, besides Travis’ sincerity, his cheerful laugh and smile was a form of approval to me.

Remembering this now alleviates some of the apathy recently piled on. It feels good to feel like you mattered, even more he showed me I made an impact. Even if it is just my shabbily ‘3 minutes and 2 second’ presentation on a poorly and rashly picked topic, you have definitely put an accomplished grin on my face.


-------------On a different note more recently-------------

Confusingly, I do not know what I’m getting myself back into again weekly. Perhaps attending the bible study held at my own house every Friday is moving me back towards Christianity. I’m being drawn in again, but it’s not as wearisome as all the times I’ve tried to break away from the religious pressure all around me. I believe it is the natural attraction between humans and good-natured things, it is appealing to learn to have better standards for myself and behave in a way I'll be proud of. There is no harm at the moment, and at least I will have better morals than I was left with before. But there is one difference though; my university family is really close with a pair of sister and brother, and the brother, although only a sophomore in high school, is really really cute. He is straight (7 girlfriends!? Lol), but his actions provoke me to think otherwise, although, when I observed more diligently he is just touchy and friendly with everyone. I cannot deny a part of me is definitely attracted to his laugh, looks, personality, and touch (That’s a lot more than I wanted myself to admit) Still, I’d like to think that he likes me a lot just as a good friend though since I know what is better for me, definitely in the mental health aspect. I’ll try not to play the fool for the umpteenth time, so this I plead with you, God, don’t let me fall in love with a straight man anymore.

p.s. hahahah how amazing, he just showed up at my house now, and he came up to ask if I like the tomatoes in the tomato and egg dish in big or small pieces…haha too cute, too cute~

Troublesome Humor or Humorous Trouble?

Mailbox, you and I end here...


I went home and asked my friend for advice on what I should do about Fred's books. And she said I should take his books with me and leave a note in his mailbox to tell him I had it. Honestly, I thought that was kind of creepy-ish, though I really have no right to say that after trying to open every mailbox in the whole place. Well I decided to stop by the office while my housemate and I were waiting for the bus to go on to campus anyways. I went to check the locker to see if his books were there, thankfully yes, and I also showed her how my key opens Fred's mailbox just as easily as it does our compartment. Off I went then to report my problem, but the office people were really confused with what happened here. I'm just relieved they didn't press me on the issue that I should have gone home and looked for my mailbox number instead of...y'know. Well they seemed to grasp the concept after a few more explanations of what mailbox I opened, why the key wouldn't come out, and that books were still left unlocked in the open. And actually they came up with the most reasonable solution to the overly complicated mess I got myself into, just go deliver the books to the guy myself. Wow, that was simple. Was I too dumbfounded by my mailbox situation that I couldn't figure that out? Maybe. I sprinted out, all excited that I'm finally doing the right reparations to fix this. It was all about to be resolved! I grabbed the locker handle and opened the locker....the books...were GONE!! I freaked out! What are the chances that in the 10 minutes I last checked it, it would be missing?!?! Probability sucks, chance sucks, so for the last time I decided to open his mailbox, and found out his usual letters and newspaper were also taken. I'm supposing now that Fred was the person that got all his mail as well as his books since that's all I could really hope for! Well most likely it is what happened as I went back to the office and they told me not to worry about it anymore, and then I thought about it again.

Many things in my life seem to resolve itself without me really doing anything. The only difference between me reporting and not reporting the mix up is the knowledge I tried my best to fix the situation. It seems my life may be planned to be undramatic, rarely any friend fights, never any illicit trysts. Boring? But I'm not complaining, people who look for stress will find it. And perhaps I was as lucky as originally thought, I didn't have to get officially involved with Fred and he never had to know about me opening his mailboxes, several times. Thanks Fred for checking for your own books, and we will most likely never meet.

If Fred looked anything like him, maybe I would've missed not meeting him

well...

i'm just dreaming

Drought

Have my entries just flopped over and dried up to a carcass of what it originally was in the summer?

Yes, this is what I think and I had to force myself to realize I'm really not taking the time to update, not to mention not even trying my best to practice writing. Guilt and laziness have been having a competition this past week and without saying, laziness won the last 6 days. This guilt stems from me not staying consistent , it's just been very easy to get carried away by the current at college. The only reason guilt could finally overcome laziness, what I know of as the reigning champion of moods in me, was the little bits of motivation from you guys' entries. Collectively, you guys have chipped away my apathetic exterior. Overtime the small pieces of feelings and thoughts left behind from reading other blog entries began to light my fuel again. The embers begin to glow again, although, this fire still feels cold to the touch. To not leave a part of my soul behind, I will quickly write some things I wanted to write full blog entries for, but procrastinated. Now it's just a glimpse back.



I live at a townhouse this year and all the mailboxes of every house in the community is placed in one area. When school hadn't started yet, in my boredom, I went to check the mail. By the time I got to the area of 10 mailboxes, each divided into 16 smaller boxes, I realized I never looked up which box out of the 160 boxes was mine. I live in the last row of houses in the community, so I decided to try my luck. At the time I didn't really calculate accurately so I impulsively decided to try opening them all. It got awkward at times when other community neighbors drove near the area, I had to act naturally, exactly the opposite of a creeper trying to unlock the whole place's mailbox. After around ...25...26...27th box my key went in the hole and turned. Like striking gold, I felt ecstatic that today I was a pretty lucky man.

Inside was a pile of white letterings and newspaper. I looked on the address of the mail and it read Frederick S----, but I concluded that it was just the last year's resident's name and mail. I was completely ignorant of the fact that the address listed below the name was not my house's address. I pressed on. Also a key to the locker for bigger packages laid in the mailbox. This key convinced me, if I wasn't already, since I was waiting for my books to arrive this week as well. To my fault, I opened the bigger locker and there were at least 5 books in there! Whoa! All my books already shipped here? Probability must have shut its mouth for the day, lucky me~ Actually it had the last word, written in the same exact words of "Frederick S----". Astonishment, realization, and idiocy...in that order I got it all wrong. The mailbox I opened wasn't mine, it belonged to Fred. Yea, that must be why the address printed did not even have the same street as mine. Well, I thought "I'll put the locker key in his mailbox again so he can get his books later." I closed the locker door and tried to take out the key, but it wouldn't even budge! The second barrage of Ari struck. I'm really battling luck today. The key was only suppose to open the locker once and the mailman was suppose to pick up the key after the rightful person opened it and retrieved the contents. So now the locker was left opened to the public, it can also be stolen... the community office was closed so I had no other solution left. Well I did lock up his mailbox, it was the least I could manage after a series of frown-face :( events. I mean I was so sure of myself, my key opened the box, it must be my mailbox. So I left the locker with his books there unlocked, unable to think of a resolution and begging that not stealing is still a virtue.

It's not over!! I don't understand how I ended up writing so much that I need to explain the second day of this accident in another post, perhaps I really have been deprived of writing x] I thought I could fit all 3 things I wanted to share in this one post, guess not!

Pictures I took around the same time frame this happened, all from my cell.

On the road driving to my college house

The scenery was so incredible I took many pictures of it. Is God coming? ;)


The biggest rainbow I've ever seen in my life happened that week too!


When my housemate moved in, we went out to my favorite Thai restaurant in the quiet city.