The Gay Talking Heads

"I didn't have any gay friends in high school, only until I got here that I..."
"HAHA he's such a fruitcake..."
"My gay friend..."

On just this one night, I heard these half-sentences being tossed through my university's dining hall. And each conversation started sounding more appetizing than that chicken sandwich from the newly renovated burger stand. These exciting eavesdropped developments couldn't get any juicier! How are the gays (just me) at my school containing their joy, we have gotten what we always wanted- awareness! I do prefer praise and adulation over notoriety and derogatory remarks, but change is change and at least half of change is progress right? We're actually getting talked about now, the hot topic that could last a week, month, year!?

But where are all these repudiated gay guys at my school? Everywhere it seems! It's as if I was stricken by temporary blindness and rediscovered sociology in the recovery process. Before I get ahead of myself though, I realized lately that I have been noticing more guys that flaunt their hands when they talk and some others that walk so horizontally as if they had the legs of a flamingo. Good for them for not walking like the rest of us.

Though the icing on the cake came when I witnessed an immensely long (5 seconds) embrace by two guys right there packed. At that point, I believe I double-backed away from my destination then proceeded to walk around a half circle two too many times eying them the whole time until finally I was blocked by a road obstruction in the form of some human girl. There I stood as if I was one of the salad bar customers which has never happened before. I was so out of place there that I was able to shake myself out of my own self-induced gay trance.

I tried my best to think of something convincing, "No Kris, they are just REALLY good friends. Yea, definitely." (I believed myself since I've never invested in a gaydar of my own) But even without a pair of antennas, I could feel something different from what was seemingly any simple hug between dudes. Loneliness has worked great at sharpening my hypersensitivity to these things and my paranoia.

After tonight's events I couldn't help, but start putting any people setting off my tingling senses even slightly in the same square. My T.A. suddenly looks gay now and this German classmate that I often feel stern stares from is probably gay too, and this friend of min... though I better quit while I'm ahead.

Despite being nearly overloaded by gay stimuli, after living out a few more hours of my life, the familiar and the mundane slowly intruded back into my routines. My discrete math test is still on Thursday. My resume lays there as blank as three months ago. The street I walk back every night is just as empty. So actually where are all the gay guys here? Maybe sitting on that rising horizon, the one that never gets any closer.

Photograph by Kris Hoet

Just Go

So the thing is, I'm not really important. I'm gay, have mediocre grades, unmotivated to say the least, and in general lazy about everything. I'm nothing much, so it's ok that when you need me, I'm there and when I need you, you don't have to be. I've been shrugging off the times you come and go and don't say a word to me. But even if I'm average at best, you're a selfish prick at the least. It's fun to play computer games and basketball with all these other friends, right? I guess I never fit into your scheme of how friendship should be, so us being friends almost feels like an inconvenience. And it's because of my low self-esteem that sometimes I believe that I'm the one who wronged you. Although, by the second time I think about it, it's clear that you're the one not trying. You're the only person that I've ever told I'm gay, and all you can cry to me about is how you've lost your love. Wallow in your self-pity as I do, but I know what a meaningless path that leads to. But you know, at least you got to experience love, do you know what 10 years of lonliness feels like? I can basically summarize it for you as one of the most crippling, self-loathing aspects I have about myself. Feeling empty in my soul and cramping over a pit in my stomach truly tests my daily endurance. You don't need to question me on my love life, but if you really cared, you could at least have mentioned it. If I'm the only friend a friend of mine has told his or her life secret to, I know I would have the sympathy to talk to them about it time to time. I almost regret telling you I'm gay because I would not have the expectation of thinking that I actually have a friend that I can talk to.

Since I purposely tried to keep a distance from you so these type of incidents that wouldn't happen that are happening now, wouldn't pain me like how I predicted. I'm not strong enough to keep a lukewarm friend like you that will one day eventually leave. No one can have everything so stop putting forth different fronts to other people and make a choice- the one that doesn't include me. I already know oh so well that when the time comes you won't stand by me and it is just as well that I can't tolerate those who will throw me away at their own convenience. I'm trying to live by the adage “Life is too short, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't”. Perhaps just as wise though is something that you said so yourself "It hurts to know someone that made you think that you were important to them, thinks nothing much of you now." And both are absolutely right.

Give Me Less Expectations

It's been two weeks and I never got back around to say what happened to coming out. Well, I didn't chicken out, but I ended up not having much to say about the whole shebang cause everything is still mostly about the same. I guess for a recap though for anyone who might be curious...So I turned 21 last last Saturday and around 3 in the morning I asked him to leave our group game to come and talk with me outside. He sat down on the steps leading towards the second level of apartments and I sat on the ground in front. I leaned towards the wall for imaginary support, and I wanted to say something, but I forgot how to speak.



I used the only line I prepared over five weeks. "Can I tell you a secret, D?"

He turned his head to me and looked at me. "Huh? I'm not sure...is it a big secret?"

"Yea it is *nighttime noises* do you still want to know?"

D- "mm...yes...I think I can listen to it. I think I know what you want to say though."

I think my eyes widened "Really?? Do you know?"
D- "I think so."

I put the back of my head on the wall and looked up. My mouth opened, but it was still silent. The cold air of that night in combination with my nerves made me shiver uncontrollably.



Kris- "This is so hard to say..." And the moment dragged...until it felt like I was going to back out of everything I've planned.

But I realized that I've gone so far, said too much, why not just get it over with. I felt no rush of courage, just one blank feeling that I can no longer be quiet about this. There is no better time or day, I'm already fully prepared for one of the hundreds of devastating outcomes.

"I like boys." Before I said it, I turned to see his face because I knew he wouldn't be able to hide his reaction. And what? His eyes just widened and said "I didn't expect this at all."
Kris- "What?"
D- "I thought you were going to say something completely different." He was expecting me to talk about my past with that girl, which by the way, D and her are a couple as of now.

We talked a bit, I can't even remember all of it. Bits and pieces about how sure I am about how gay I am and how I am trying to convey to him it's not a choice at least in my case. And it's because he's Christian. He knows that what I'm saying is probably true, but Christianity doesn't let you off the hook that easily. But I'm not trying to destroy his religious beliefs in the first place. What was kinda surprising is that he traded his life secret with me as well.

And then a week passed now. We talked about it a few times after he looked it up on Christian websites and talked to his church people. But besides that nothing is different and I'm almost glad for once that my life is routinely the same. I knew that too, I knew change was always hard, but I was so hyped up to come out that I had no idea that things would turn out so...normal. I think I need to come out to more people. joking. for now.



But y'know, D doesn't understand, he doesn't understand at all. But it's ok, I shouldn't expect understanding, acceptance, and better outcomes. It hurt for awhile letting him tell me how he thinks I can change, but if it's the last thing I do for him as a friend, it's to open his eyes, let him know that 'gay' is so far from being wrong. And one day he might decide to stand up for me when our friends disregard me and others start to look at me with disdain. I hope these are my friends, the types who would be willing to defend me because they believe me as their friend and know me as I am.

Nothing Better

I'm so far past jealousy that I'm running into my demise. The "guy" is just about to date her and then I remember how I hate it when I'm right. Wished that my predictions weren't spot on when I get to thinking clearly. The freakiest thing is that it is always here first that I admit to myself that he didn't like me and was about to get another girlfriend. I guess it's just that when I talk out here I speak more truthfully than when I speak with myself. But it's sickening- them two and I'm not even jealous of them. Only envious of the fact they found each other, as casual as strolling through a park on Sunday and as simple as drinking a glass of water.

And I don't think I can put it any more ironically when I tell you that she is the girl who liked me last semester.(I didn't date her because I couldn't convince myself that I might turn straight. Better safe than sorry) And just two nights ago she discussed with me the details of all the things happening between the lovely pair leading up to this point. Thank God that it wasn't painful because somehow a guy I couldn't get over for a year has made me realize my stupid mistakes on top of even stupider judgments. I just want to rock out and sing it all away. I was genuinely fine talking to her about him just like I was straight and just like how I didn't think about him every single day. Good, cause at least I'm moving on also like I predicted last post.

I tell her to just admit that she likes him because she is dense like me. And it was not even a few days ago that I also advised him what to do about his crush on her. I told him that when you really like someone, the circumstances don't matter. It became his facebook status the next day. The only thing wrong with this is how it doesn't work for me. Circumstances do matter for me because if they're not gay, if he's not gay then love doesn't work out like magic. And now I'm deeper in realization of how I'm playing a role in helping them get together, but it is far from a crushing defeat. Because I'm sure now that I can't get him, and more sure that I will need to find someone else, and surest that I can let go of him to a great friend. That's hard as I know 0 gay guys here. But that's all I needed to patch up my life and get on with it even with a few rips and stitches here and there. And I really think I'm in an advantageous position at this point; I know both of them well so if I want to know anything I can ask; I'm about to come out to that guy and if it's uneasy for him to accept then he'll force some distance between us. And I sure could use some distance from him. There is nothing better than knowing the truth.

"Nothing better, nothing better than you." Take care you two =)