Wednesday, September 22, 2010

In My Own Head Too Much!

I don't want to admit it because it was only a joke, but I feel just a little more cheerful inside! =)) A friend I'm getting to know said to me:
"You're too nice, I'm not used to it, what happens if I fall in love with you" heh heh x)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

In With Atheism

I wonder how I've ever made sense of Christianity

About a week ago, I brought up the problem of evil with my mom at dinner. It wasn't a structural argument trying to prove why God doesn't exist, but I wonder what she thought about it. My main intention though, was hinting to her that I've given up my faith, which isn't a bad loss in the first place. A fitting quote I saw on a website "No I was not 'born again', excuse me for getting it right the first time" by someone. I don't know when atheism became culpable, but it is more benign than say, religion. Morality and love can still continue with atheism. Well, if my mom can't accept me being an atheist, she won't be any more progressive about homo things. Truly, I'm just glad I was able to find answers for myself that made more sense than Christianity did to me. And my "stop caring what others think" attitude has came in at a critical time too! Now if someone calls me a blasphemous f*g, I'll resist the temptation to kick them between their legs. Something happened this summer, by which I mean I had too much time to think for myself. It gave me a chance for me to question my faith deeply and analyze all the "truths" church has handed me for a decade. I don't think I can ever prove whether a God exists, but I'm more than sure that the Christian God isn't the one. It may provide comfort and good feelings, like it did for me, but after I examined the Bible, the facts just don't add up to me. (It's not ALL because I'm gay either)

Presently, I confessed today that I didn't believe in God anymore to my housemate as well. I presented my atheist POV pretty poorly, but I do have confidence in my lack of belief in God. I'm still open-minded to Christians, so I'll stay in the fellowship to support them as friends.

Sorry about the extremely emotional post yesterday. I don't know what to do about homosexuality anymore, and I wish even more that there is no "coming out of the closet" ever. One day, hopefully, being gay can be as normal as "normal". Not to say that I don't have it better than the gays before and now.

Closer to the End

The throb in my chest is rising, the tears are streaming, don't tell me that I never got over you. You didn't change and I didn't change, but things don't just stay the same one year later.

It may not have been your intention, but why do I feel tricked? Just a tinge of betrayal and loneliness makes my day longer. Is attraction always torment, I say "no", yet I feel like hell. Can we not repeat history everyday? I'm so close to confession, and it has stopped ceasing to be a game long ago. What do you mean, why did you say? Why do you touch? Crossed into the border of more pain than bliss, if you don't mean anything serious, don't play with me. Do you even know these feelings of mine? Go find a girlfriend again and let me out of your sight. For me, no more hiding, no more second-guessing, I don't even know how to act anymore. I don't care if I didn't try hard enough or I pushed you away too much or didn't talk meaningfully with you enough. These "could-be's" are now all "won't-be's". My heart can't stand being soaked even if it rains 3 out of 7 days. Most of all, don't tell me how you never thought about me in that way because my wounds then will never mend.

Give me just a few more days, perhaps a few more weeks, to erase all that I've built up in my head. I'll tell you one day though that I'm a con- pretending to the end that I thought so little of you. Yelling for you to come closer in my head, yet I don't move a step. I'm angry whenever I see this two-faced me. Though isn't it better now to search for my own peace?

Can someone tell me I am wrong to not try more? To reach out to you with every worth of my being, but if I do, I feel like my heart really will break in two.