Monday, November 15, 2010

Give Me Less Expectations

It's been two weeks and I never got back around to say what happened to coming out. Well, I didn't chicken out, but I ended up not having much to say about the whole shebang cause everything is still mostly about the same. I guess for a recap though for anyone who might be curious...So I turned 21 last last Saturday and around 3 in the morning I asked him to leave our group game to come and talk with me outside. He sat down on the steps leading towards the second level of apartments and I sat on the ground in front. I leaned towards the wall for imaginary support, and I wanted to say something, but I forgot how to speak.

I used the only line I prepared over five weeks. "Can I tell you a secret, D?"

He turned his head to me and looked at me. "Huh? I'm not it a big secret?"

"Yea it is *nighttime noises* do you still want to know?"

D- "mm...yes...I think I can listen to it. I think I know what you want to say though."

I think my eyes widened "Really?? Do you know?"
D- "I think so."

I put the back of my head on the wall and looked up. My mouth opened, but it was still silent. The cold air of that night in combination with my nerves made me shiver uncontrollably.

Kris- "This is so hard to say..." And the moment dragged...until it felt like I was going to back out of everything I've planned.

But I realized that I've gone so far, said too much, why not just get it over with. I felt no rush of courage, just one blank feeling that I can no longer be quiet about this. There is no better time or day, I'm already fully prepared for one of the hundreds of devastating outcomes.

"I like boys." Before I said it, I turned to see his face because I knew he wouldn't be able to hide his reaction. And what? His eyes just widened and said "I didn't expect this at all."
Kris- "What?"
D- "I thought you were going to say something completely different." He was expecting me to talk about my past with that girl, which by the way, D and her are a couple as of now.

We talked a bit, I can't even remember all of it. Bits and pieces about how sure I am about how gay I am and how I am trying to convey to him it's not a choice at least in my case. And it's because he's Christian. He knows that what I'm saying is probably true, but Christianity doesn't let you off the hook that easily. But I'm not trying to destroy his religious beliefs in the first place. What was kinda surprising is that he traded his life secret with me as well.

And then a week passed now. We talked about it a few times after he looked it up on Christian websites and talked to his church people. But besides that nothing is different and I'm almost glad for once that my life is routinely the same. I knew that too, I knew change was always hard, but I was so hyped up to come out that I had no idea that things would turn out so...normal. I think I need to come out to more people. joking. for now.

But y'know, D doesn't understand, he doesn't understand at all. But it's ok, I shouldn't expect understanding, acceptance, and better outcomes. It hurt for awhile letting him tell me how he thinks I can change, but if it's the last thing I do for him as a friend, it's to open his eyes, let him know that 'gay' is so far from being wrong. And one day he might decide to stand up for me when our friends disregard me and others start to look at me with disdain. I hope these are my friends, the types who would be willing to defend me because they believe me as their friend and know me as I am.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Nothing Better

I'm so far past jealousy that I'm running into my demise. The "guy" is just about to date her and then I remember how I hate it when I'm right. Wished that my predictions weren't spot on when I get to thinking clearly. The freakiest thing is that it is always here first that I admit to myself that he didn't like me and was about to get another girlfriend. I guess it's just that when I talk out here I speak more truthfully than when I speak with myself. But it's sickening- them two and I'm not even jealous of them. Only envious of the fact they found each other, as casual as strolling through a park on Sunday and as simple as drinking a glass of water.

And I don't think I can put it any more ironically when I tell you that she is the girl who liked me last semester.(I didn't date her because I couldn't convince myself that I might turn straight. Better safe than sorry) And just two nights ago she discussed with me the details of all the things happening between the lovely pair leading up to this point. Thank God that it wasn't painful because somehow a guy I couldn't get over for a year has made me realize my stupid mistakes on top of even stupider judgments. I just want to rock out and sing it all away. I was genuinely fine talking to her about him just like I was straight and just like how I didn't think about him every single day. Good, cause at least I'm moving on also like I predicted last post.

I tell her to just admit that she likes him because she is dense like me. And it was not even a few days ago that I also advised him what to do about his crush on her. I told him that when you really like someone, the circumstances don't matter. It became his facebook status the next day. The only thing wrong with this is how it doesn't work for me. Circumstances do matter for me because if they're not gay, if he's not gay then love doesn't work out like magic. And now I'm deeper in realization of how I'm playing a role in helping them get together, but it is far from a crushing defeat. Because I'm sure now that I can't get him, and more sure that I will need to find someone else, and surest that I can let go of him to a great friend. That's hard as I know 0 gay guys here. But that's all I needed to patch up my life and get on with it even with a few rips and stitches here and there. And I really think I'm in an advantageous position at this point; I know both of them well so if I want to know anything I can ask; I'm about to come out to that guy and if it's uneasy for him to accept then he'll force some distance between us. And I sure could use some distance from him. There is nothing better than knowing the truth.

"Nothing better, nothing better than you." Take care you two =)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I'm already there

I can't wait! I can't hold in my excitement anymore, I feel my head would burst if I had to wait another day. But I will have to. One more week until the official date to come out. I don't know why it's a big deal to me anyways cause I'm only going to tell one person. I would say I'm really okay if he can't accept it or he'll pretend to, but everything else changes. It's OK because I need this- more than anything I have ever wished for. I need to get over him and the only real realization that will break this fantasy of mine is by telling him that I'm gay. Probably won't mention a word on how I've liked him for a year and all the things which made me think he liked me back. But I can't stay friends with a nice guy, so I'll ask him not to touch me so casually at least or I don't know, but what ever happens in that moment I'll just let it fall. I promise you it will happen and I promise you I will be happy- in the sense that I will be fine because nothing really works out the way we plan them to. Plus my heart is generous enough to be happy for him and the girl who I almost dated last year. They're not together, but I think it'll only be a few sequence of events farther. And deep down I don't want to affect him, who I care about so much, to be involved with the homosexuality that we have to deal with. Cause I'm not gonna lie, it's downright difficult and comes constantly with f-ing pain. I wish onto him that he doesn't have to go through the mess I had to. He can deal with some other problems, but just not this one. I can live on without him and he without me. In a few years our paths will separate indefinitely so I'm gonna go ahead and move forward now. My birthday, come quickly cause I'm ready to live out the next 21 years of my life significantly for me.

I'm so thankful for the people here who will be there for me whether I crash and burn and have no one to turn to. Thankful for the people that will be there that once the dust settles I will be salvaging the rubbles of my life and building it back up again. It's because I'll need courage to do this, need to be more courageous than those around us, stronger than what I've seen in others to get through this phase that will eventually pass like all the others.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

4 Week Countdown

"Before it's too late"

I can't believe it- I can't believe my own mind would one day overcome the idea of coming out. Twisting out the fears, the loneliness, the possibility of being hated. Truly unbelievable that ever since the summer, I've been pondering whether if it was so bad afterall to come out. I weighed out the pros and cons in the back of my head, and slowly the idea waded to the shore of possibility. I've been telling myself that it's only a matter of time, and out of anything in the world, I hate lies and lieing the most. What can I say now to convince myself to stay back in the closet? Instead, I somehow see the light across the bridge, that sliver of hope, a real sign that gives me the courage to tell one, at least one person about me- the true me.

It isn't the potent amount of emotions nor a litany of encouragements that's compelling me to come out. It's a calmer feeling, a more deep and instinctive one urging me forward despite the treacherous path ahead. Something deep down as core as my soul cannot be contained any longer, it can't breathe and it's decided to not let me either. That's how I know it's past time.

From the thought of coming out of your shell to reaching out to others and gaining the courage to ask people out, I think, is all nervously similar. Something in yourself propels you in that direction and it is also a battle with yourself where the fight has taken enough of its toll. Thus, my resolve has softened and I've let down my guard. So tired of pretending and lying to people I care about, and just as much I stopped trying altogether. But I can finally see peace on the horizon now. And despite the horrors that I know of so well, I'm just sure I can do it. I can't even go back and relive the time where I abhorred the idea of coming out. It's not to say the thought still doesn't seize up my body and mortifies all of me, but I feel I can live with it- live with the consequences I'm purposely about to create. And still further, it is probably the thoughts of happiness and true love that has brought me around and taken me so far. I only have one life and I wish for it to be happy. That is why I can empty out the closet, not because I have to, but because I want to love myself again. Just as how I want people not to accept only half of me, but the whole entirety of me. I'm putting faith in the friends I've kept close, and wishfully hoping, that they will remember me for who I am, impartial to my sexual preference. This is my firm resolution- to tell just one of my friends that I am gay on my 21st birthday. On that day, I'll have one drink, a freak of a time partying, and one friend who knows it all.


Although as much as I want to maintain my self-centeredness about me coming out, what ultimately keeps me from falling back down the stairs is the thought that even my decisions here will make a difference. Our generation is changing the world again and I won't miss my part in making sure it's going to be better than the last generations that had to go through so much grief. Remember Harvey Milk's words, remember courage:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."
~Ambrose Redmoon

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

In My Own Head Too Much!

I don't want to admit it because it was only a joke, but I feel just a little more cheerful inside! =)) A friend I'm getting to know said to me:
"You're too nice, I'm not used to it, what happens if I fall in love with you" heh heh x)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

In With Atheism

I wonder how I've ever made sense of Christianity

About a week ago, I brought up the problem of evil with my mom at dinner. It wasn't a structural argument trying to prove why God doesn't exist, but I wonder what she thought about it. My main intention though, was hinting to her that I've given up my faith, which isn't a bad loss in the first place. A fitting quote I saw on a website "No I was not 'born again', excuse me for getting it right the first time" by someone. I don't know when atheism became culpable, but it is more benign than say, religion. Morality and love can still continue with atheism. Well, if my mom can't accept me being an atheist, she won't be any more progressive about homo things. Truly, I'm just glad I was able to find answers for myself that made more sense than Christianity did to me. And my "stop caring what others think" attitude has came in at a critical time too! Now if someone calls me a blasphemous f*g, I'll resist the temptation to kick them between their legs. Something happened this summer, by which I mean I had too much time to think for myself. It gave me a chance for me to question my faith deeply and analyze all the "truths" church has handed me for a decade. I don't think I can ever prove whether a God exists, but I'm more than sure that the Christian God isn't the one. It may provide comfort and good feelings, like it did for me, but after I examined the Bible, the facts just don't add up to me. (It's not ALL because I'm gay either)

Presently, I confessed today that I didn't believe in God anymore to my housemate as well. I presented my atheist POV pretty poorly, but I do have confidence in my lack of belief in God. I'm still open-minded to Christians, so I'll stay in the fellowship to support them as friends.

Sorry about the extremely emotional post yesterday. I don't know what to do about homosexuality anymore, and I wish even more that there is no "coming out of the closet" ever. One day, hopefully, being gay can be as normal as "normal". Not to say that I don't have it better than the gays before and now.

Closer to the End

The throb in my chest is rising, the tears are streaming, don't tell me that I never got over you. You didn't change and I didn't change, but things don't just stay the same one year later.

It may not have been your intention, but why do I feel tricked? Just a tinge of betrayal and loneliness makes my day longer. Is attraction always torment, I say "no", yet I feel like hell. Can we not repeat history everyday? I'm so close to confession, and it has stopped ceasing to be a game long ago. What do you mean, why did you say? Why do you touch? Crossed into the border of more pain than bliss, if you don't mean anything serious, don't play with me. Do you even know these feelings of mine? Go find a girlfriend again and let me out of your sight. For me, no more hiding, no more second-guessing, I don't even know how to act anymore. I don't care if I didn't try hard enough or I pushed you away too much or didn't talk meaningfully with you enough. These "could-be's" are now all "won't-be's". My heart can't stand being soaked even if it rains 3 out of 7 days. Most of all, don't tell me how you never thought about me in that way because my wounds then will never mend.

Give me just a few more days, perhaps a few more weeks, to erase all that I've built up in my head. I'll tell you one day though that I'm a con- pretending to the end that I thought so little of you. Yelling for you to come closer in my head, yet I don't move a step. I'm angry whenever I see this two-faced me. Though isn't it better now to search for my own peace?

Can someone tell me I am wrong to not try more? To reach out to you with every worth of my being, but if I do, I feel like my heart really will break in two.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

For the Heck of it

I wish to remember my younger self one day

Despite how I feel about how drudgingly slow August has went by, I'm amazed at how fast the whole last year went by. Feels like a breeze blew by so quick I forget that I've already completed my 2nd year, forgot that I experienced another heartache, and missed my own blog's birthday! So dramatic, yet so gone. Sometimes I think I can't get over this or when will that turn out for the better, but this blog has now become my own irrefutable testimony that the present does really turn into bygones. I might not have changed, hopefully I matured though, but the things around me surely has. I sorely wished I wrote about my past year because I know how cathartic blogging and writing is for anyone, but I also know I get lazy to wash the dishes or type even the smallest entry. And the initiative to come back and visit a recent past is because of a wise suggestion from the first blog-related friend I met in person. He reminded me of past feelings that I rarely felt anymore when I looked back to an old post and remember "ohhh, so this was what I was thinking" or "What was I thinking!?". Thanks for that and look how I took up your advice! Hoping I won't come back August 2011 and only finding this one lonesome entry.

Like it was all yesterday, but it was the day before that or even before that...

Another Design = Another Beginning...Good thing for some of this new blogger template action