Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Nothing Better

I'm so far past jealousy that I'm running into my demise. The "guy" is just about to date her and then I remember how I hate it when I'm right. Wished that my predictions weren't spot on when I get to thinking clearly. The freakiest thing is that it is always here first that I admit to myself that he didn't like me and was about to get another girlfriend. I guess it's just that when I talk out here I speak more truthfully than when I speak with myself. But it's sickening- them two and I'm not even jealous of them. Only envious of the fact they found each other, as casual as strolling through a park on Sunday and as simple as drinking a glass of water.

And I don't think I can put it any more ironically when I tell you that she is the girl who liked me last semester.(I didn't date her because I couldn't convince myself that I might turn straight. Better safe than sorry) And just two nights ago she discussed with me the details of all the things happening between the lovely pair leading up to this point. Thank God that it wasn't painful because somehow a guy I couldn't get over for a year has made me realize my stupid mistakes on top of even stupider judgments. I just want to rock out and sing it all away. I was genuinely fine talking to her about him just like I was straight and just like how I didn't think about him every single day. Good, cause at least I'm moving on also like I predicted last post.

I tell her to just admit that she likes him because she is dense like me. And it was not even a few days ago that I also advised him what to do about his crush on her. I told him that when you really like someone, the circumstances don't matter. It became his facebook status the next day. The only thing wrong with this is how it doesn't work for me. Circumstances do matter for me because if they're not gay, if he's not gay then love doesn't work out like magic. And now I'm deeper in realization of how I'm playing a role in helping them get together, but it is far from a crushing defeat. Because I'm sure now that I can't get him, and more sure that I will need to find someone else, and surest that I can let go of him to a great friend. That's hard as I know 0 gay guys here. But that's all I needed to patch up my life and get on with it even with a few rips and stitches here and there. And I really think I'm in an advantageous position at this point; I know both of them well so if I want to know anything I can ask; I'm about to come out to that guy and if it's uneasy for him to accept then he'll force some distance between us. And I sure could use some distance from him. There is nothing better than knowing the truth.

"Nothing better, nothing better than you." Take care you two =)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I'm already there

I can't wait! I can't hold in my excitement anymore, I feel my head would burst if I had to wait another day. But I will have to. One more week until the official date to come out. I don't know why it's a big deal to me anyways cause I'm only going to tell one person. I would say I'm really okay if he can't accept it or he'll pretend to, but everything else changes. It's OK because I need this- more than anything I have ever wished for. I need to get over him and the only real realization that will break this fantasy of mine is by telling him that I'm gay. Probably won't mention a word on how I've liked him for a year and all the things which made me think he liked me back. But I can't stay friends with a nice guy, so I'll ask him not to touch me so casually at least or I don't know, but what ever happens in that moment I'll just let it fall. I promise you it will happen and I promise you I will be happy- in the sense that I will be fine because nothing really works out the way we plan them to. Plus my heart is generous enough to be happy for him and the girl who I almost dated last year. They're not together, but I think it'll only be a few sequence of events farther. And deep down I don't want to affect him, who I care about so much, to be involved with the homosexuality that we have to deal with. Cause I'm not gonna lie, it's downright difficult and comes constantly with f-ing pain. I wish onto him that he doesn't have to go through the mess I had to. He can deal with some other problems, but just not this one. I can live on without him and he without me. In a few years our paths will separate indefinitely so I'm gonna go ahead and move forward now. My birthday, come quickly cause I'm ready to live out the next 21 years of my life significantly for me.

I'm so thankful for the people here who will be there for me whether I crash and burn and have no one to turn to. Thankful for the people that will be there that once the dust settles I will be salvaging the rubbles of my life and building it back up again. It's because I'll need courage to do this, need to be more courageous than those around us, stronger than what I've seen in others to get through this phase that will eventually pass like all the others.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

4 Week Countdown

"Before it's too late"

I can't believe it- I can't believe my own mind would one day overcome the idea of coming out. Twisting out the fears, the loneliness, the possibility of being hated. Truly unbelievable that ever since the summer, I've been pondering whether if it was so bad afterall to come out. I weighed out the pros and cons in the back of my head, and slowly the idea waded to the shore of possibility. I've been telling myself that it's only a matter of time, and out of anything in the world, I hate lies and lieing the most. What can I say now to convince myself to stay back in the closet? Instead, I somehow see the light across the bridge, that sliver of hope, a real sign that gives me the courage to tell one, at least one person about me- the true me.

It isn't the potent amount of emotions nor a litany of encouragements that's compelling me to come out. It's a calmer feeling, a more deep and instinctive one urging me forward despite the treacherous path ahead. Something deep down as core as my soul cannot be contained any longer, it can't breathe and it's decided to not let me either. That's how I know it's past time.

From the thought of coming out of your shell to reaching out to others and gaining the courage to ask people out, I think, is all nervously similar. Something in yourself propels you in that direction and it is also a battle with yourself where the fight has taken enough of its toll. Thus, my resolve has softened and I've let down my guard. So tired of pretending and lying to people I care about, and just as much I stopped trying altogether. But I can finally see peace on the horizon now. And despite the horrors that I know of so well, I'm just sure I can do it. I can't even go back and relive the time where I abhorred the idea of coming out. It's not to say the thought still doesn't seize up my body and mortifies all of me, but I feel I can live with it- live with the consequences I'm purposely about to create. And still further, it is probably the thoughts of happiness and true love that has brought me around and taken me so far. I only have one life and I wish for it to be happy. That is why I can empty out the closet, not because I have to, but because I want to love myself again. Just as how I want people not to accept only half of me, but the whole entirety of me. I'm putting faith in the friends I've kept close, and wishfully hoping, that they will remember me for who I am, impartial to my sexual preference. This is my firm resolution- to tell just one of my friends that I am gay on my 21st birthday. On that day, I'll have one drink, a freak of a time partying, and one friend who knows it all.


Although as much as I want to maintain my self-centeredness about me coming out, what ultimately keeps me from falling back down the stairs is the thought that even my decisions here will make a difference. Our generation is changing the world again and I won't miss my part in making sure it's going to be better than the last generations that had to go through so much grief. Remember Harvey Milk's words, remember courage:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."
~Ambrose Redmoon