Saturday, October 23, 2010

I'm already there

I can't wait! I can't hold in my excitement anymore, I feel my head would burst if I had to wait another day. But I will have to. One more week until the official date to come out. I don't know why it's a big deal to me anyways cause I'm only going to tell one person. I would say I'm really okay if he can't accept it or he'll pretend to, but everything else changes. It's OK because I need this- more than anything I have ever wished for. I need to get over him and the only real realization that will break this fantasy of mine is by telling him that I'm gay. Probably won't mention a word on how I've liked him for a year and all the things which made me think he liked me back. But I can't stay friends with a nice guy, so I'll ask him not to touch me so casually at least or I don't know, but what ever happens in that moment I'll just let it fall. I promise you it will happen and I promise you I will be happy- in the sense that I will be fine because nothing really works out the way we plan them to. Plus my heart is generous enough to be happy for him and the girl who I almost dated last year. They're not together, but I think it'll only be a few sequence of events farther. And deep down I don't want to affect him, who I care about so much, to be involved with the homosexuality that we have to deal with. Cause I'm not gonna lie, it's downright difficult and comes constantly with f-ing pain. I wish onto him that he doesn't have to go through the mess I had to. He can deal with some other problems, but just not this one. I can live on without him and he without me. In a few years our paths will separate indefinitely so I'm gonna go ahead and move forward now. My birthday, come quickly cause I'm ready to live out the next 21 years of my life significantly for me.

I'm so thankful for the people here who will be there for me whether I crash and burn and have no one to turn to. Thankful for the people that will be there that once the dust settles I will be salvaging the rubbles of my life and building it back up again. It's because I'll need courage to do this, need to be more courageous than those around us, stronger than what I've seen in others to get through this phase that will eventually pass like all the others.


steve said...

Good luck to you Kris.
We all need it.

All the best then.

William said...

It's good to come clean and wipe the slate clean. All the best.

Kris said...

Best of luck to you too Steve, don't give up until our fight is done. =)

Will- thanks~ I can't wait to feel how it feels to start anew~