Tuesday, October 5, 2010

4 Week Countdown

"Before it's too late"

I can't believe it- I can't believe my own mind would one day overcome the idea of coming out. Twisting out the fears, the loneliness, the possibility of being hated. Truly unbelievable that ever since the summer, I've been pondering whether if it was so bad afterall to come out. I weighed out the pros and cons in the back of my head, and slowly the idea waded to the shore of possibility. I've been telling myself that it's only a matter of time, and out of anything in the world, I hate lies and lieing the most. What can I say now to convince myself to stay back in the closet? Instead, I somehow see the light across the bridge, that sliver of hope, a real sign that gives me the courage to tell one, at least one person about me- the true me.

It isn't the potent amount of emotions nor a litany of encouragements that's compelling me to come out. It's a calmer feeling, a more deep and instinctive one urging me forward despite the treacherous path ahead. Something deep down as core as my soul cannot be contained any longer, it can't breathe and it's decided to not let me either. That's how I know it's past time.

From the thought of coming out of your shell to reaching out to others and gaining the courage to ask people out, I think, is all nervously similar. Something in yourself propels you in that direction and it is also a battle with yourself where the fight has taken enough of its toll. Thus, my resolve has softened and I've let down my guard. So tired of pretending and lying to people I care about, and just as much I stopped trying altogether. But I can finally see peace on the horizon now. And despite the horrors that I know of so well, I'm just sure I can do it. I can't even go back and relive the time where I abhorred the idea of coming out. It's not to say the thought still doesn't seize up my body and mortifies all of me, but I feel I can live with it- live with the consequences I'm purposely about to create. And still further, it is probably the thoughts of happiness and true love that has brought me around and taken me so far. I only have one life and I wish for it to be happy. That is why I can empty out the closet, not because I have to, but because I want to love myself again. Just as how I want people not to accept only half of me, but the whole entirety of me. I'm putting faith in the friends I've kept close, and wishfully hoping, that they will remember me for who I am, impartial to my sexual preference. This is my firm resolution- to tell just one of my friends that I am gay on my 21st birthday. On that day, I'll have one drink, a freak of a time partying, and one friend who knows it all.


Although as much as I want to maintain my self-centeredness about me coming out, what ultimately keeps me from falling back down the stairs is the thought that even my decisions here will make a difference. Our generation is changing the world again and I won't miss my part in making sure it's going to be better than the last generations that had to go through so much grief. Remember Harvey Milk's words, remember courage:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."
~Ambrose Redmoon


Bravebear said...

Things might take a change. I have told many friends, my sis and even my aunt. Not as scary as I 1st thought. The hardest part though is coming out to the parents.

William said...

We're all here for you! All the best.