Monday, November 15, 2010

Give Me Less Expectations

It's been two weeks and I never got back around to say what happened to coming out. Well, I didn't chicken out, but I ended up not having much to say about the whole shebang cause everything is still mostly about the same. I guess for a recap though for anyone who might be curious...So I turned 21 last last Saturday and around 3 in the morning I asked him to leave our group game to come and talk with me outside. He sat down on the steps leading towards the second level of apartments and I sat on the ground in front. I leaned towards the wall for imaginary support, and I wanted to say something, but I forgot how to speak.

I used the only line I prepared over five weeks. "Can I tell you a secret, D?"

He turned his head to me and looked at me. "Huh? I'm not it a big secret?"

"Yea it is *nighttime noises* do you still want to know?"

D- "mm...yes...I think I can listen to it. I think I know what you want to say though."

I think my eyes widened "Really?? Do you know?"
D- "I think so."

I put the back of my head on the wall and looked up. My mouth opened, but it was still silent. The cold air of that night in combination with my nerves made me shiver uncontrollably.

Kris- "This is so hard to say..." And the moment dragged...until it felt like I was going to back out of everything I've planned.

But I realized that I've gone so far, said too much, why not just get it over with. I felt no rush of courage, just one blank feeling that I can no longer be quiet about this. There is no better time or day, I'm already fully prepared for one of the hundreds of devastating outcomes.

"I like boys." Before I said it, I turned to see his face because I knew he wouldn't be able to hide his reaction. And what? His eyes just widened and said "I didn't expect this at all."
Kris- "What?"
D- "I thought you were going to say something completely different." He was expecting me to talk about my past with that girl, which by the way, D and her are a couple as of now.

We talked a bit, I can't even remember all of it. Bits and pieces about how sure I am about how gay I am and how I am trying to convey to him it's not a choice at least in my case. And it's because he's Christian. He knows that what I'm saying is probably true, but Christianity doesn't let you off the hook that easily. But I'm not trying to destroy his religious beliefs in the first place. What was kinda surprising is that he traded his life secret with me as well.

And then a week passed now. We talked about it a few times after he looked it up on Christian websites and talked to his church people. But besides that nothing is different and I'm almost glad for once that my life is routinely the same. I knew that too, I knew change was always hard, but I was so hyped up to come out that I had no idea that things would turn out so...normal. I think I need to come out to more people. joking. for now.

But y'know, D doesn't understand, he doesn't understand at all. But it's ok, I shouldn't expect understanding, acceptance, and better outcomes. It hurt for awhile letting him tell me how he thinks I can change, but if it's the last thing I do for him as a friend, it's to open his eyes, let him know that 'gay' is so far from being wrong. And one day he might decide to stand up for me when our friends disregard me and others start to look at me with disdain. I hope these are my friends, the types who would be willing to defend me because they believe me as their friend and know me as I am.

1 comment:

William said...

Congrats. The first step is always the hardest.