Friday, January 28, 2011

Just Go

So the thing is, I'm not really important. I'm gay, have mediocre grades, unmotivated to say the least, and in general lazy about everything. I'm nothing much, so it's ok that when you need me, I'm there and when I need you, you don't have to be. I've been shrugging off the times you come and go and don't say a word to me. But even if I'm average at best, you're a selfish prick at the least. It's fun to play computer games and basketball with all these other friends, right? I guess I never fit into your scheme of how friendship should be, so us being friends almost feels like an inconvenience. And it's because of my low self-esteem that sometimes I believe that I'm the one who wronged you. Although, by the second time I think about it, it's clear that you're the one not trying. You're the only person that I've ever told I'm gay, and all you can cry to me about is how you've lost your love. Wallow in your self-pity as I do, but I know what a meaningless path that leads to. But you know, at least you got to experience love, do you know what 10 years of lonliness feels like? I can basically summarize it for you as one of the most crippling, self-loathing aspects I have about myself. Feeling empty in my soul and cramping over a pit in my stomach truly tests my daily endurance. You don't need to question me on my love life, but if you really cared, you could at least have mentioned it. If I'm the only friend a friend of mine has told his or her life secret to, I know I would have the sympathy to talk to them about it time to time. I almost regret telling you I'm gay because I would not have the expectation of thinking that I actually have a friend that I can talk to.

Since I purposely tried to keep a distance from you so these type of incidents that wouldn't happen that are happening now, wouldn't pain me like how I predicted. I'm not strong enough to keep a lukewarm friend like you that will one day eventually leave. No one can have everything so stop putting forth different fronts to other people and make a choice- the one that doesn't include me. I already know oh so well that when the time comes you won't stand by me and it is just as well that I can't tolerate those who will throw me away at their own convenience. I'm trying to live by the adage “Life is too short, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't”. Perhaps just as wise though is something that you said so yourself "It hurts to know someone that made you think that you were important to them, thinks nothing much of you now." And both are absolutely right.


William said...

I guess the ship has left the harbour. With people, anything can happen. Try to make more friends who can better understand you and eventually you will find a confidante.

Kris said...

thanks will, i know that people are unpredictable when things get tough but yea i'll accept it soon enough. still on the lookout for some confidantes =)