Monday, June 15, 2009

Why do my tears drop?

I haven't wrote in 11 days, and there's actually a good reason, because I didn't feel the need to. I only started writing because it's the only time I wanted to open up about my feelings that I've never shown, but the fact is I really hate seeming vulnerable. So life was great and enjoyable for the last 11 days and nights. I went to a small party last night and slept over, and it was actually, really fun. My close friends were there, and other old friends I wanted to see, but haven't managed to, were also there. I really do like reunions! But then what happened? I've begun to realize in social settings, my self-deprecating side begins to yell a bit louder than I'd like inside my head. I had no crushes or unrequited love there, but why do I always manage to imagine, where I force the thought that I need a lover there with me as well. I'm happy with my friends, but why do I feel lonely? Well, now I think I was being delusional. No one else had their girlfriend or boyfriend there, it's just me who wants all that.

Am I having an Identity crisis? Also at the party I was quieter than usual due to the above. Does that mean that my personality is not as cheerful as I thought? In my mind, I think it's changing, but I know in reality, people do not change easily. I want to be the cheerful type, the excited kind, the wide-grinned face among the crowd. I thought I was that, but...nevermind. I'm fighting what I already know is the answer to my anxiety. I am human, I can't always be happy, I am who I am already, just because I admire some personality in fictional characters and see some similarities, doesn't mean I am him. Neither is he based on me. So I've been self-centered all along, I will always be the attention wanting, easy-going person, who hides behind his smile. Perhaps...not forever.

Although I want to push you away, although I act like I don't, please push on, make me admit all the selfish things I yearn for. In my writing, I realized I have a inclination to write abstractly, it's most likely an extension of a mostly unconscious habit to hide the truth. The truth that's never said, or conveyed, but what lies in the depth of my arid soul. I never want to cry infront of other people, it'll make me look sad, pathetic, and vulnerable, but in my heart, I want someone to find me crying and embrace me into an unforgiving hug and please never let go. (Haha, actually I hope my future person will never read my blog, I would like him to find out for himself :P) Wait, I haven't really answered the title of this entry!!! I've cheered up already, writing an entry makes me feel like I've resolved a problem, and so I've forgotten the purpose of this entry already. Perhaps I'll remember it again, why my tears keep falling. Oh, probably because there's always something to cry over.

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