Friday, July 10, 2009

May I worry

Sometimes I'm not as deep as I want to seem. I may ponder a lot about events in my life, but in the end, I always come to the same conclusion. It's my fault. I'm not trying to be all depressing today, don't get me wrong, but when something isn't going as you hoped, don't you feel like the main contributor to the problem? You're not the one making things right, wishes fulfilled, you've let down your responsibililty. I may be sitting here blasting my happiest/cheer-me-up/dance song, but as soon as the music ends, it's all going to rush back: Why can't I get along with my mom? There's not much to explain actually, just my mom came home with a bad mood. She was trying to hide it and I could tell as soon as the first confrontation of the evening began.

Kris- “Why is my spoon laying like that on the table.” (looking at my mom since she's in the kitchen)
Mom- “I don't know” (not with her smoothest tone)
Kris- “Uhh, I know I don't lay my spoon on the table like that, it gets dirty.”
Mom- “I didn't do it!”
Kris- (looking at the eggs and vegetable on the table next to my spoon) “Mom, I know I didn't do it. You put the egg carton and tomatoes on the table, it probably pushed my spoon over.”
~At this point you may wonder how there is even anything to argue about, it's a freaking utensil. I think it's ridiculous now too, but at the time I didn't think it would escalate to anything, but also it's no coincidence that our explosive arguments always start with the most trivial matter. ~
Mom- She yelled something I can't recall.
Kris- “Well, don't blame me for it.” (Stepping down the stairs to grab another spoon)
End of Conversation.
Hahaha, See? it wasn't bad right? Unbeknownst to me until later, this was the start of something...dramatic?
I came by the kitchen later and the stove was on, mushrooms were in the pan, but it looked like she was focused on looking for something.
Piecing the clues together I asked “Do you need a spatula?”
She didn't look at me. Pretending not to hear me, she animatedly fumbled through the drawers.
“Mom, why aren't you talking?”
Mom- “I don't want to talk to any of you!!!!” It was close to a shriek.
She pushed past me on her way out of the kitchen. This set me off. In retaliation, I pushed back. She yelled “STOP IT!!”. Everything seemed to stop. She headed down the stairs to get the spatula.
Kris- “Just because you're in a bad mood from work doesn't mean you can take it out on me!”
Mom- “I'm angry when I get home.” not even bothering to hide her distaste.


Don't feel too bad, I know she said the last thing out of anger. I don't remember what happened after that, but this has led to what is now— the 3rd day of a mutually dealt silent treatment. Ugh...when will this end? I can't believe something so annoying like this is happening again. Since I've gone off to college and came back, I think both my mom and I tried not to get in any big fights. It's just a part of history that peace never lasts; perhaps though, being a stable family always means having some unsteady times. Disagreements included. I don't want to apologize though, I keep thinking, I don't want to continue being treated this way, and when I graduate and move out, it'll be the end of all this. Recently even, whenever I get mad at my mom, I think about using my homosexuality as a weapon. Like a bomb that will destroy our family, and that's how I will leave home, with everything shattered to pieces. I'm scared I even think about using my sexuality as revenge, but I don't know! I don't I want to go off and live by myself with no family burdens, no matter if they know I'm gay or not? Be free and run away? Or maybe I want to stay nearby, impatiently waiting for them to understand and cherish me for who I am. Ah, what is wrong with me, dreaming again in the middle of the night.


nase said...

do not ever use your sexuality as a weapon against your family, trust me. this is just a passing phase that all of us have gone through with our families. just hang in there. sometimes it helps to imagine ourselves in their shoes and try to understand why they react the way they do. hugz!

Kris said...

nase...thank you!! Glad to hear it's just a phase cuz yea, deep down, I wouldn't want to break my family apart. and you're right before I tell them anything related to that, I will remind myself to empathize with the situation they have to deal with (but thats still a long time away ;P)

steve said...

Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others. Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back.

Kris said...

Wow Steve! hahahah you went and read my earlier posts huh! xP

Well, my mom and I have definitely matured now, we have arguments, but we're really okay with each other, besides the largest betrayal she'll have to hear later, I think we're living in a happy truth. Thanks for your understanding, I always think my family was a lot worse, but that's just how conservative asian parents are. And i do know my family will always be there for me, except for that one technicality, which we'll see... =?

steve said...

Lol Kris, the reason behind reading it is simple. I see quite a lot of similarities in us. Especially reading the post 月亮代表我的心, beside the sweet and touching post, all the musics you post there was all my personal favorites. I can't tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over. Just thought of knowing you better.I think we would have been great friends in real life if we are not that far away ^^

Kris said...

aww you describe friendship so sweetly, makes me want to be your friend ;) actually I believe that too, I think you guys would have made to be some of my best friends, not only because I don't have to hide things from you guys, but because it just seems we would get along with your awesome personalities and humor, this is something I really wish for especially if I get to pay a visit to Malaysia