Sunday, September 20, 2009

An Unforgettable Reminder

The haunting past paves a daunting future

This morning I found myself explaining the same old, yet twisted tale of my buried love for a man. A mutual friend of my housemate’s stayed the night and in the morning we talked over some porridge breakfast. She told me my housemate may be getting a boyfriend soon to which I delightedly congratulated the idea as well our friend’s matchmaking skills. In just one lapse in reasoning, before I could stop myself, I mistakenly asked her if she could set me up as well. She remarked “I don’t know…I thought you liked someone”.

The person she referred to was probably what I told my housemate about my second unrequited love, of course, they were not informed of the sex of this individual, or was it more like I intentionally kept referring to him as a “her”. It isn’t uncommon anymore for me to casually chatter up a conversation with my friends about who I like, it’s a mutually beneficial one, I tell them what I want to say, they hear what they want to hear. It’s weird for an older teen to continually digress away from the subject of love interests- “oh well, no one in mind currently” “not right now, no love interest for me at the moment”. I feel like I’m biting my own words again of “not misleading anyone anymore”, but this is what it takes, at least before I mention a word of my innate preferences.

Jokingly I asked “Can you find me someone?”
Miss J: “I don’t know…I thought you liked someone”.

“Well I got over her"
She questions “How did you get over her?”

I could barely answer, so the next most fitting response was “I forced myself to”
She inquired, “Did she have a boyfriend” He had a girlfriend

“Yes, she did last semester, I don’t know about now, we don’t talk much”…I regret continuing “I don’t even think we’re friends.”

Immediately she rebuked “What? Why did you like her?” him…
Kris: “…”

Kris: “Cause I just did” A most unsatisfying answer to her and myself

Miss J: “You’re weird”
I returned with a lame comeback “You’re weird too, wasn’t it the same with the guy you liked”

Miss J: “Nooo.”
Kris: “Oh.”

Ms. J begged the question again “How do you like someone you don’t even know?”

The same question that made my heart skip the first time asked, but I still had no sufficient answer for her. Nothing I said would be appropriate to describe the relationship of a gay guy watching a straight guy from the borders of each other’s lives. Because simply, it was just that. The basis for our liking does not have to be the normal interactions of a girl and a guy, and usually it isn’t. With a straight man, our hope is every talk we have, every hangout, and every friendly touch he makes is his way of reciprocating to our hidden agenda. It might be case-specific, but all gay-straight crushes involve a distinct line which must not be crossed, and it’s safe for me to recall that this final limit was never within sight. I played my part inconspicuously, unless he observed my every gesture, there were barely any traces of my sentiments toward him. Every move I played put a defined distance between us, resulting in an irreparable gap that I can now admit dejected a bleak situation to a hopeless one.

There was something special in the words of my friend and the inconclusive answer that she beckoned for though it was all shrouded amongst the white lies, the girls, the guys, and the borderline love. Could I even pick out what I really felt before, because every time I see him, I’m overwhelmed by a concoction of emotions so potently brewed over a year and a half. I wish I could throw up what I’ve already ingested, so the residues of this strained crush could finally be put behind me. No longer do I want to suffer the aftereffects, but I do so each time I have to hide what I desire. Such as telling every interested ear that I thought I was truly in love with someone, but not who he was. The delusion has long since been dismissed, for what I felt was not love, no matter how powerful my desire was; after all, it was just one-sided. Although my better judgment tells me to learn from this, I cannot help not remember feeling shaken from it as well. Deep down I want this to be the one and only exposition that is better left sealed in the past.

Lyrics- Silent


steve said...

Kris, I can literally feel the pain you felt. it's so true of what you said... watching some one you love from the borders of each other’s lives is just so torturing.
Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't but its even harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met. It's hard.
Time heals all wound.
Give it some time Kris.One makes mistakes; that is life.But it is never a mistake to have loved.I believed you'll meet someone who love you as much as you love him someday.

Hope you are ok.
Cheer up bro.

nase said...

Ah well, the pangs and rollercoaster emotional rides one go through when socalled barking up the wrong tree esp concerning a straight-gay crush. I couldn't even remember how many I had had and ended up crushing myself. but it's part and parcel in our lives that I can tell to assure you. I see it as a lesson in life rather where we learn to control our emotions and aware of the boundaries. some of us just learned it the harder way, that's all. you'll be alright, hugz!!!!

manglish said...

you will be fine....this is part of growing up :) fell in love, you fell out of love....and it enriches your life....:) just remember nothing is too hard to bear...and there is always a someone out there for you, you just have to believe it :) cheerio,pal :)

L M said...

Ahh the post sounds sad.. So did you really get over him?
Don't worry, it will all get better in time, time's the best medicine.. at least to me.

Kris said...

Thanks for your comforting words, and I am totally okay!! I thought I wrote this one pretty naturally just saying it as it is since we all go through this similar experience. And I think being able to look back at it calmly and finally being able to write it means that I am finally over it.

YEP! It definitely hurt when I was going through it, but unconsciously I've learned to control my emotions a lot more. Took a lot of my time though, dang! I'm really fine though, thanks~~ *hugs*

I eat them cheerios every morning haha, nothing to be afraid of I know, i know, but I just hope I don't retreat back into my hermit home after things like this happens!

It's not suppose to be sad ='( To me it was realization and saying something truthful about what happened before. I'm alrighty, and guess what I got a fakebook haha so I'll find you! :D <--that's a big smile right X]

Jaded Jeremy said...

Keep on looking and trying!

成亿 said...

you will find the one destined to be with you in due time, so, meanwhile, keep looking and don't give up! cheer up, mate!

Kris said...

Hey Jeremy!
Do you mind if I call you that or JJ? haha :) I'll try being an inactive hunter for awhile, looking but not on the prowl!

Oh I do hope so! and you too will find your destined one y'know~! lol im not sad!

Legolas said...

Hi! I would say stay away from straight men because more than often, it'll end up in tears. But I guess feelings are not something that can easily be controlled.

For the lying part, who hasn't done that before? So it's ok. Keep lying if you have to.

Kris said...

Hello Legolas!
I've seen you around recently haha ;)
your advice gave me a good laugh haha! I like how practical you put it, keep lying lol. And I guess I can't help but to do that...don't you feel guilty though? Like one day you're friends do find out and they'll think you've been lying to me this whole it does have consequences too =(
oh, i've totally been staying away from straight men, i'm resisting myself this semester haha =D

Legolas said...

Don't worry about that. If they're truly your friends, they'll understand why you lied. If some of them didn't understand, so be it, can't please everyone in this world, right? So, no guilty feelings, the lies are inevitable.

Or you can learn to use gender neutral words, like lover, partner, special one, my love interest, etc. It's not really lying, just confusing people.

Kris said...

i'm not even at a stage where I can use gender neutral words =/ i think i'll just keep my lips tighter on the subject for awhile, i invited trouble in this one! And I do think the friends I've made are types that won't leave me even if I tell them, but our friendships will change even if they say it won't. Hopefully not so much, but I'll accept what I can get~ :]

Jaded Jeremy said...

I'm fine with either. Up to you :)

Anonymous said...

Cheer up Kris.. Eat more choc. :D I think alot of stuff needs time to heal.. and time will also change you or your surroundings, one way or another. The best thing is to perhaps keep a happy mind and stay happy no matter what happens.

As they say.. when life gives u lemon, make lemonade. (And drink with ur choc lava cake. XD)

William said...

Hope you can let go...

I find it sad when I cannot fully reveal the truth when I'm sharing about my love life with straight friends. I used to used to avoid gender-specific words in my blog posts once, but no more.... I got tired of it.

Kris said...

JJ it is!

I am happy right now Starry! Thank you for your concern :) I love lemonade too~!

I think i'm over it since I could look back and write about it? And yea, I'm getting tired of lieing, today I said something unnecessary again, it's harder than I thought! =p

manglish said...

i guess the straight men does have a certain appeal to u eh?! maybe close proximity to them makes up for the lack of straightness you may be subconciously yearning for? :)

Kris said...

haha Manglish! thats some deep psychology! I was thinking I just liked them because I like cute guys, and I couldn't be happier if they swung my way! haha But you're right about one thing I do wonder whats it's like to have a really close group of guys friends, like best friends forever close...but I've learned I wouldn't trade who I am now for just that.

Maksim Markusevich said...

"Ive learned I wouldnt trade who I am now for just that" - wow, very rarely i heard ppl say just the exact thing.

i take to it that u r accepting yourself, each n every bit. NOT AN EASY feat to accomplish - no matter youre a "happy" person or a "non-happy" one.

just to share stuff with you - i had my own share of such bitter experiences...had a hard time recuperating from that mighty blow...and when I was quite "healed" i vowed to myself never again to get trapped in the same snares again...but alas - we humans are weak and helpless. I fell into the same trap over and over hurt, wounded, healed, scarred and the vicious cycle starts back again.

but doesnt hurt that much anymore. I guess it is true that scars make us stronger for life.

take care always :)

Kris said...

Hey Max!
Perhaps i've largely accepted myself, but I still can't tell anyone anything, until then I can't say for sure =] oh, I almost made that promise as well to not fall for a straight guy cause I expected that whoever I fall for isn't in my total control, but whatever im doing recently is working so far~ I wonder if you've written some stuff on your past already... will we can support each other!

Maksim Markusevich said...

well i havent specifically written anything abt my past...but its subtly written in my so-called book (altho its just 2 chapters...for now) on my blogspot. however its undeniably spiced up with more exaggeration, more pizazz...

maybe in the future ill write abt it more provocatively, more personally like yours :)