Saturday, October 17, 2009

I Want to Understand….you

“Would a hug have made it better?”

Awhile back, I started thinking of a story that happened maybe 6 weeks ago. An extremely short one that consisted of only a momentary conversation that probably lasted less than two minutes. I happened to be on campus that night, spending our university’s food punch before it expired. I checked out the ice cream line because I definitely craved for something sweet that night. Weighing the situation between my housemate scouting for a parking space outside and the line of around 6 people in front of me, I just decided to follow my temptation. I considerately called up my housemate asking if he parked, although he didn’t, he still gave me the okay to just get whatever sweet satisfaction I needed. Weirdly enough, before my housemate came inside, a classmate from last semester happen to stop by me. Oh! It was the affable Travis, who I happened to think was the cutest guy in that class. We had spoken a countable number of times before, and he reminded me that evening on what subject we spoke about every time: a small presentation I had given in that class.

We exchanged the usual catch-up talk, in the meanwhile I was thinking wow, he seems happy to see me! I was surprised he even remembered me! He responded with “Of course! You gave the best eggs presentation I’ve ever seen”, on the contrary, he couldn’t quite recall my name. Well didn’t I only remember his because I was corrected after mistakenly calling him Travis the last time we spoke? Although I don’t care so much, at least he had the first letter of my name on the tip of his tongue. We just chitchatted lightly, but it left such a merry impression that has contentedly recurred through my thoughts. Who could have known just a few sentences from someone barely an acquaintance, would leave such a cheeky feeling graffitied on your heart.

Though the conversation was encouraging, something about Travis’ appearance disturbed me. He looked skinnier, indeed noticeably in the manner of his seemingly more slender figure and gaunt face. I wanted to ask,

“Hey…have you been eating well, you look skinnier!!!”

“Hey has everything been good with you?”

Sadly that is the limitation between someone you’ve just met. Though I feel I need not worry because his usual jovialness was still apparent. Maybe he was just more unkempt than usual that night; still, if I could I want to be of some sort of comfort to him if he is stressed or dealing with some heavy pressures. For a kind person that stops to see how I’m doing, even though we could be the strangest of strangers, you simply reached out to talk to me first, the least I can do for you is to listen back to your troubles. Whenever you grabbed my attention to converse, it did not sound like a chore or a responsibility, your concern was at least this genuine. And I also want to say you have one of the most endearing tone of care in your voice. Our hasty meeting also gave me a touch of confidence, besides Travis’ sincerity, his cheerful laugh and smile was a form of approval to me.

Remembering this now alleviates some of the apathy recently piled on. It feels good to feel like you mattered, even more he showed me I made an impact. Even if it is just my shabbily ‘3 minutes and 2 second’ presentation on a poorly and rashly picked topic, you have definitely put an accomplished grin on my face.

-------------On a different note more recently-------------

Confusingly, I do not know what I’m getting myself back into again weekly. Perhaps attending the bible study held at my own house every Friday is moving me back towards Christianity. I’m being drawn in again, but it’s not as wearisome as all the times I’ve tried to break away from the religious pressure all around me. I believe it is the natural attraction between humans and good-natured things, it is appealing to learn to have better standards for myself and behave in a way I'll be proud of. There is no harm at the moment, and at least I will have better morals than I was left with before. But there is one difference though; my university family is really close with a pair of sister and brother, and the brother, although only a sophomore in high school, is really really cute. He is straight (7 girlfriends!? Lol), but his actions provoke me to think otherwise, although, when I observed more diligently he is just touchy and friendly with everyone. I cannot deny a part of me is definitely attracted to his laugh, looks, personality, and touch (That’s a lot more than I wanted myself to admit) Still, I’d like to think that he likes me a lot just as a good friend though since I know what is better for me, definitely in the mental health aspect. I’ll try not to play the fool for the umpteenth time, so this I plead with you, God, don’t let me fall in love with a straight man anymore.

p.s. hahahah how amazing, he just showed up at my house now, and he came up to ask if I like the tomatoes in the tomato and egg dish in big or small pieces…haha too cute, too cute~


steve said...

wow kris, so sweet of him! will this be the best breakfast u have had in a long while??XD

L M said...

Ahh the brother is super considerate~ Such a miracle that you were able to resist from hugging him hehehe.
And we get happy so easily, a small praise or even a message from someone I like would make me float in the sky~~

nase said...

Things definitely picked up after you went back college. That's nice to knw. Happy for ya, Kris!

Kris said...

The time made it lunch I think! But the sis and bro come over at least once a week, so I'm a bit immune to it now~~ haha he is sweet but then I only want his attention more!! xP

haha, I thought about what you and Steeve said earlier and I hung out with him more than usual...and I really did want to hug him after reading that! it's unfortunate I don't allow myself to :'[ yea small unexpected things said can make us really happy, the right words =)

In a way I guess so! I'm enjoying the company of all my fellows here...I'm really liking living with my housemates, always something to do every weekend. I guess I'll just leave the bad side of things here until later, but thank youuu~!!

William said...

The question about tomatoes is quite surprising! Such sensitivity. :P.

Religion can be a nice source of personal strength.

manglish said...

just enjoy the moment...things always look better when you cant put ur hands on them....hahahahah......

L M said...

U've been quite busy eh?
Didn't see you online for quite some time already.
Miss you!! Huggies~

Anonymous said...

Hello Kris! Fatal attraction eh? I think the feeling of wanting to care.. but unsure if it would cross lines is really difficult.. >.<

But one day.. you'll be able to get what you want as long as you believe in it..

All the best to you!!

Kris said...

the tomatoes thing was really random, but he always asks funny questions like that, like a puppy x) oh I think I forgot to mention he's 16...haha, still pretty innocent!

LOL!!! you really made me laugh there haha~~ i agree, but can we really be content just from watching!?! >_< i'm trying!

How've you been? I'm just doing things here and there, I'll stay online more since you miss me~ I miss you too! *hugs* oh talking bout that, he "hugged" me once when we were grocery shopping when he was showing me the meaning of 架 in 绑架, you understand right haha? and later when we were outside he was jokingly hugging me since it was cold...geez getting harder to resist!

Hi!! I hope things are going well for you! haha fatal attraction...I hope not!!
you're so right, thanks for telling that he is only being caring, it's good to hear a more objective opinion than mine own and thanks for your optimism too! it applies to you too y'know =)

Jaded Jeremy said...

"Remembering this now alleviates some of the apathy recently piled on. It feels good to feel like you mattered, even more he showed me I made an impact. Even if it is just my shabbily ‘3 minutes and 2 second’ presentation on a poorly and rashly picked topic, you have definitely put an accomplished grin on my face."

I understand what you mean. At one point of my life, I thought I didn't matter much to others. I was so wrong :) So take heart: you do matter to others, in small and big ways!

manglish said...

awww....try harder :) hahaha

Kris said...

I guess we all go through that sometimes, feeling like our existence does not matter that much, but yeah I know better than that now! maybe it's just another form of loneliness when we feel insignificant! better to surround ourselves with good friends then :)

i'll do my best! ah why does he have to be so nice...but i don't i would like it either if he didn't pay much attention to me. what a dilemma~

manglish said...

hahhahaahha.....a dilemma indeed...but you will get over it as soon as the next one comes along hahhahahah :)

Ed said...

hey! i'm back!!