The Discipleship

One face, a perspective of a weekly church-going gay.


Why have I arrived here again, week after week? I'm not too sure myself, but probably first is because of the family that doesn't excuse anyone from not going to church, second is perhaps more cynical and subconscious in that I haven't forgiven myself for being the way I am and I'm not turning away from the prospect that maybe God can still change me. Too many years of indoctrination here may be to blame. Still, I have to give my pastor praise as he is deserving of many credits, truly, if I wasn't so disillusioned by my homosexuality, I would've believed the words he spoke every week. The ones of promise, of salvation, and of eternity... I listened intently as I always have even with my doubts, and I have never poked holes at his messages. He has reasons for who he is, the teachings he spreads, and I have mine for living the way I do, just as valid as his, his as valid as mine. Anyways he goes on and tells us of three biblical meetings each between Jesus and a different men, for which every man had their own excuse that prevented them from following Christ: “wordly comforts”, “family ties”, and “divided loyalty”. The pastor emphasized these are the characteristics we must surrender for us to become true, willing disciples. These were the costs then, the same as now, no excuses, no alibis.

Don't read the next part if you don't want an expansion on the sermon. It's kind of related, but not necessary.
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Be willing to give up all wordly treasures:
“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose”
-Jim Elliot

Put God ahead of your family:
“He who loves his father and mother more than me is not worthy of me and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” Matthew 10:37

Your first loyalty is to God, above all (boyfriends/girlfriends/everything):
Once we haven given up what it takes to be with God, there is no looking back, or wanting any of those things back.
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At the end of prayer, one thought remained- I am not willing. I cannot be bent to give up any of these things for God. Actually...who would?? Surprisingly, a moment later, I found the answer to be me and inevitably all of us. I just convinced myself that I wouldn't give up any of those things for God, but I realized I had the potential of doing so. What I mean is that there is something that we all live for, the number one thing that takes precedence over everything else, our goals? our career? our image? our love? ourselves? It just depends on where your priority lies. I realized I would be willing to give up my possessions, my friends for him, sever my family ties for him, and love him more than anyone else in my life. My future man may not be of godlike status, but finding and keeping him has become what's most important to me, my life's initiative. Perhaps all my pastor was asking us to do was to rank God as #1, place the being, he believes, is worthy of our all in that position. But I know I won't...then what do I do now with this personal insight, knowing that I have the capability to focus my life on a single point? I think I'll have to wait to deal with that until my life ambition has actually appeared. For now, I'm just grateful that I learned I am a “disciple”, it's just not God that I'm worshipping.

~p.s. I really really didn't have an intention of preaching here >_<'' I hope I haven't offended anyone T-T~
~p.s.s. I finally found out how to change fonts/basic stuff in my blog, I'm such an amateur blogger, but is the new, smaller font better? (if you noticed..)Or do you have to squint to read now?~